January 17, 2005

If It Was My Inauguration

First of all, the spelling of inauguration is just horrendous. It's awful, just awful.

Second of all, I know this is what, like the 55th inauguration to date so there's nothing new about the extravagance of them. Third, Bill Clinton's second inauguration was about 33 million dollars. All presidents seem to love spending money on themselves but I say, let's put an end to second term inaugurations or follow the simple plan I have set out below. We all know that it's a huge security nightmare - why go through the headache? And yes I have to agree, the 40 million being spent on this one sounds like a lot of money to me. I think any elaborate party should be able to get under a million dollars any day.

I know they have to invite everyone who is anyone in Washington and most of those people have to pay a huge amount for the tickets. So, still do that, but flip a coin so only one of the major political parties can go. Just think, if Democrats won the coin toss, you'd have a much smaller head count too. What about the undecided? Don't worry, they're probably staying home anyway*.

Then, feed everyone hotdogs and potato salad. Make it a BBQ. BYOM (bring your own meat).

Open bar anyone? No, just kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and wine boxes. This President doesn't drink either - for a real cost cutter close up the bars and have 5 day coolers filled with juice boxes set up everywhere.

Then, let's move it to Las Vegas. You can get great rates for banquet rooms there (even with the airfare added it's still cheaper than D.C.).

I know you need music. Well, my band would do it for $500 or less for sure. That's a drop in the bucket.

Finally, instead of 9 ballroom events, let's just have one, ok? Who can go to 9 parties in one night and still enjoy themself? That's even a lot for your average Greek Row.

So there you have it. I know there would be a few mad government workers here and there (they wouldn't get the day off after all). I know Oscar De La Rente would find it gauche to have his dress worn at a BBQ. The hickory smell would never come out of the sequins. But come on- as always there are tons of groups and people in need. How many out there haven't had the thought cross their mind... "now couldn't that money be used for **blank** and **blank**"? How many out there who really, really dislike President Bush would grow a tiny soft spot for the man if he called off the whole thing and donated the money to people who have been screwed out of health insurance?

The argument goes then why have any kind of special party - wedding, funeral, retirement party? Humans like to party, that's why. And democracy loves celebrating itself... and in many ways... it really should... I know I love the 4th of July (and fireworks are not cheap). But winning the vote a second time? They've already given you a great gift... the gift of power. With all due respect to our legacy of second-term Presidents (minus 33-40 million dollars), I say "work it, don't flaunt it".
*If you caught onto my poking at those who did not decide in time to vote in Election 2004 you are offended and pissed. Please take comfort that I am going to report myself to the first organization that cares enough to condemn amateur, political satire.
P.S. On a serious, but festive note, Happy Birthday Martin Luther King Jr.!


  • At Wednesday, January 19, 2005 at 6:52:00 AM EST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My my. We are a busy Blogger, aren't we?

    A crippled veteran of 2 inaugural balls (1980s & 1990s) has this to say:
    1 Open bar???? What open bar?? Who was that I just gave $3 for a coke to? Fact: most of the big parties make you pay for drinks already.
    2. Chips? BBQ? Where? Did I miss it? Fact: would you believe a chunk of cheese and mixed nuts?
    3. Fact: $33M in 1996 is the same as $40M in 2005 after inflation and with the security needed since the Satanic Osaman Bozos (SOBs) started the war. But if we don't celebrate, they will have won. They defeat us if we stay home.
    4. Good point about the second one though. But let's take it one step farther. Why does a sitting President have to debate a power hungry, gold digging, war criminal in order to win a second term. Debates should be reserved for the case where there is no incumbent. Saves money, avoids low ratings, allows Americans to focus on American Idol and Amazing Race - truly important stuff. Reduces acid indigestion and post election loser stress.

  • At Wednesday, January 19, 2005 at 7:03:00 AM EST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sucker! All that whining and carping in the media has warped your priorities. Besides, if you believe what you just wrote, sell all that you own and give the money to poor folks. Give it to Tsunami aid.

    What better use for $40M than a BFP (Big fancy party)? Society cannot live on charity alone. In fact, there would be no charity if it weren't for middle class and rich folks blowing money on all kinds of useless things. Relax. Celebrate a little. You deserve it. That's it! Take a sip of beer and a bite of that Sloppy Joe. Be a Hobbit.

  • At Wednesday, January 19, 2005 at 8:47:00 AM EST, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Your inauguration theory has more holes in it than the entire Cambrian Society Documentary - The Hole Truth.

    Visualize this: Bush says let's spend the $40M on health care for people who hate me. All those who hate me, please stand up. No! No! What part don't you understand? This is Federal Health Insurance for Bush Haters Agency, not everybody.

    Read all about it! Press lambastes Bush for destroying great American tradition. Businesses in DC go down the tubes. Hotel workers laid off. Worst post election year in DC history. Blacks feel singled out. Homeless person Lionel Washington Jefferson says, "It was revenge on DC because we didn't vote for him." Many laid off workers die from lack of health insurance.


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