January 18, 2005

Sloppy Joes Still Shocking the Dow

In an unprecedented report, stockholders for Sloppy Joes claimed a 15% lead this past quarter making competitors such as Grilled Cheese and Pimento Sandwich cower and hide their tales. The success was contributed to an increase by public school cafeterias to use the sandwich.

When polled, 95% of kindergarteners chose Sloppy Joes over their other choices for that day: chicken fries or chef salad.

What has kept Sloppy Joes on top of the American sandwich market? CEO of Sloppy Joes, Wensington Joe, Jr. said, "It's not just the increase by cafeterias across the nation... it's just a darn good sandwich. I mean, what do consumers want on their sandwiches most of all? Exactly... they want meat." When asked whether the messiness of eating this all-American sandwich kept their stocks from booming even further, Mr. Joe, Jr. quickly replied, "Look at other messy foods. Ribs or wings for example. People take substance over etiquette when it comes to eating. And you know [laughing], you don't see people busting out hundreds of thousands of petite cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches every day. Give me Sloppy Joes or give me nothing."

Mr. Joe, Jr. was quick to cut off the interview however, when we posed the question of nutritional value to his famous Sloppy sandwiches, "I have nothing more to comment". Our investigators asked if the Sloppy Joe was worthy under the new and improved Food Pyramid to officials at the FDA and one told us, "Listen, once and for all, if we serve it to our children in public schools, it's healthy! I'm proud to let my children choose Sloppy Joes over other healthy cafeteria options - even over hot dogs!"

Will the breathtaking trend continue for the Sloppy Joe, or will the popularity of PBJ and Turkey and Swiss on Rye make an overdue comeback? We'll just have to wait until the next quarter to find out. In the meantime, keep chowing on those Sloppies.


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