Announcement from Your Airline Crew

Welcome to FAA (Flying Ass Airlines). At this time we'd like to remind you that all electronic devices, including cell phones and pagers, should be turned off until we reach cruising altitude. We'd also like to ask that you make sure all ice picks, knives under five inches, and cross bows are neatly placed either under the seat in front of you, or in one of the overhead compartments. Once the Captain has given us the o.k., you may use your bow and arrow in the designated areas. If you are carrying butane, gasoline or dynamite, please place it in the complimentary zip-lock baggy provided in the seat pocket in front of you and fill out the "Declaration of Explosive and/or Toxic Items" Form. If you are on a terrorist watch list, but were not kept from boarding this plane, please raise your hand and let us know when you would like us to land this aircraft at an undisclosed airport. Please note that for safety reasons you may not smoke anywhere on this plane, including the toilet. Also, under no circumstances should you put poison on your throwing stars until we are at cruising altitude and the Captain has turned off the throwing star indicator light as seen above. Thank you for flying FAA. If you should see anything or anyone acting suspiciously, please report it to the person next to you.