June 22, 2005

Supreme Court Bans Certain Pet Names

Consistent with some of their other inconsistent and/or arbitrary decisions as of late, the Supreme Court Wednesday announced that a list of pet names commonly found across the U.S., will from now on, be banned.

Some of note include, naming a calico cat "Patches", a gray cat "Smokey", a black and white cat "Sylvester" or "Oreo", a golden retriever "Rusty" and a Dalmation "Spot". Cherrystew was surprised, but not really, to discover that all white cats could still be named "Whitey" or "Snowball".

Due to some lobbying from an Association of Veterinarians out of Annapolis, Maryland, no animal, under any circumstance, can be named "Fluffy", "Furry", "Rover" or "Poochy". One aspect of the Supreme Court decision, which was luckily struck out, would have outlawed any state being able to issue a "Grandfather Clause" for any animals that had been given the banned names previous to the decision, which, if not struck down, would have generated a nationwide "collection" and "disposal" of the aforementioned animals.

The decision appears to have been made hastily, with names like "Tweedy" for birds and "Slinky", "Scaly" and "Fangs" for snakes, slipping through the cracks. Other names that were surprisingly excluded are, "Baby", "Bear", "Misty" and "Mini Me".

Hollywood got involved by collecting a petition which included signatures from celebrities like Tom Cruise and Paris Hilton, and lobbied that their names no longer be given to scraggly, stray animals, rather be reserved for naming Persian cats and other purebreeds.

Opponents of the decision say they are concerned that the Supreme Court will attach a bill to ban St. John's Wort with another one that strives to banish any humans named John or Jennifer.


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