Breaking News: One U.N. Employee Has Pure Heart

Investigators of the raunchy Oil for Food scandal, which has deteriorated the United Nations' reputation to that which is hardly better than an organized crime ring, yesterday discovered an employee who has not yet fallen to the dark side.

Her name is being withheld at this time to protect her from torture and expulsion but we will tell you what we do know. Mind you, we would not have reported this to you if she held a minor role in the U.N. This woman holds a fair amount of power after working her way up for the past 15 years. How she has remained honest, respectable and kind is still being investigated. Apparently, she has even attempted, on several occasions, to help divulge information pertinent to the Oil for Food scandal, but has been thwarted by her own assistants who find shredding and hard-drive crashing their prime responsibilities.

She has remained alive, strangely enough, by telling the truth. For example: telling the peers who threaten her daily that she has installed her own security system in her office and that she has numerous undercover bodyguards throughout the building. She admits that trying to maintain her job and her existence has cost her more than she actually makes in salary, but that it is worth it to be the last glimmering bit of goodness in the building, often comparing herself to Frodo in Mordor.

When asked if she was truly the only one left with any virtue she replied, "When it gets this bad, with any organization, you have to just keep telling yourself that you can do it. You have to remind yourself everyday why you're not going to accept oily blood money under any circumstances, that you're not going to perpetuate the war in Iraq by giving money to the enemies and that it's not worth it to turn your back on the genocide in the Darfur region. Everyday is a temptation. Pray for me. "