February 14, 2005

Controversial Proposal to Change Heart to Pancreas Shape

Hallmark board of directors decided on Monday that St. Valentine's Day will no longer be represented by the shape of the heart. Monday's statement read:

"We know that the heart has been a symbol of love for centuries. Hallmark has been happy to use the heart all these years to sell millions of greeting cards, teddy bears, note pads, erasers, porcelain doo-hickeys and much more. After serious consideration however, our board of directors, in conjunction with our shareholders, will go from using the heart shape to that of the organ - the pancreas. We believe that we have exhausted the heart in all it's many nuances and styles. We ask you to picture the pancreas in your mind now. The pancreas is somewhat oval. At first it will be difficult to associate the pancreas with love, but by next January, consumers will know exactly what the little oval-ish shape signifies. Also, because we will no longer use the heart we will also be changing the colors of Valentine's Day to various shades of brown. Our initial market research concluded that the pancreas would be the best shape and organ to model love after because people really don't think about the pancreas very much... we'll use this "forgetting of the pancreas" to launch a huge "Rekindle the Fire in Your Pancreas" program. We'll have bears holding little brown, smooth lumps. It's going to be really cute. Then by the year after that, we'll be able to get more creative with the pancreas. Expect to hear slogans like: Love Is Where the Pancreas Is or With Every Processing By My Pancreas or From My Pancreas to Yours, and our favorite... we're going to have a contest to see how many times couples can make breakfast in bed for their significant other in the month of February leading up to Valentine's Day... we'll call this Breakfast in Bed, Pancreases, Syrup and My Love Forever".

On a sidenote, Hallmark employees have already drawn up over five hundred cards featuring new designs of the pancreas and have manufactured over thirty display models of teddy bears covered with the cute little, brown ovals.


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