March 29, 2005

Burger King Creates the Eighth Deadly Sin

Gluttony can quietly move over to the sidelines now that something much more deadly has been Frankensteined to the public -- the Omelet Sandwich from Burger King. This manifestation of impurity and grossness has rightly been coined by the FDA, the Roman Catholic Church, the American Heart Association and a list of 80 other massive organizations, "the eighth deadly sin -- Zazzle". Zazzle, although it is actually a synonym to "gluttony", according to definitions from, still manages to convey much more of a supernatural level of dissent from all that is good and pure, in essence, a fascination with what is the opposite of what is considered Holy to any peoples that seek an eternal life with a just God.

You may be thinking that Zazzle is more befitting to something else -- if you can give Cherrystew an example of this "something else" we'd be happy to hear from you. We are skeptical that Mankind has to this point in history, been able to manufacture, mold, build or cook anything whatsoever that epitomizes Zazzle more than a giant, 47 grams-of-fat-omelet, smothered in cheese, topped with bacon and sausage and served on a massive bun. With more calories than the infamous Whopper, Burger King's Omelet sandwich has possibly begun the dark times mentioned in Revelations.

All Churches, Mosques and Synagogues should take care to reveal the true nature of the Omelet Sandwich, to bar anyone from entering shrines and temples after consuming the real presence of Zazzle and to make confessions of consuming Zazzle to the public mandatory.

The question we are left with now, is whether anything can surpass the Omelet Sandwich. If we broke into the Burger King labs would we find the Osama Bin Laden Sandwich with seven layers of American cheese and over 100 saturated fat grams, or what about the Heart Constriction Croissant with more than an equivalent of an entire stick of butter in each sandwich? Where do we go from here? I don't know if it's possible to release anything to the public that is more contradictory to health issues, unless the Saturday Night Live dubbed, "Butter McCheese" sandwich becomes a reality. In the past, I considered lawsuits against fast food restaurants illegitimate since no one is forced to eat at these places... but will anyone be able to resist the entrancing, Dracula-like embrace of the essence of "Zazzle" on a bun?

*Click on the title of this blog to see for yourself.


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