March 24, 2005

Congress Enacts "Get On With It" Law

In yet another show of extreme power, United States Congress, Thursday enacted a law which will possibly force Americans to literally, "move on" to the next news story more quickly. Congress believes that Americans' attention spans, though shifty and fidgety, still linger too long on certain stories, which they feel is a national threat to intelligence (in the brain sense). Examples presented by the House include the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Terri Schiavo, Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse, Condolezza Rice hearings and the Scott Peterson trial.

"What we really want," said a press spokesman for Congress, "is for Americans to get interested in other issues, like their own lives. Yeah, we know we're an integral part of T.V. ratings, but for once, we're looking out for the little man. In theory, we're not really working on ourselves any longer, when all we do is follow one celebrity to trial after another, or listen to reports every three days about America's obesity problems."

Some believe that Congress may be within the limits of their power but also agree that our famous motto from the Declaration of Independence,

"We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." - Thomas Jefferson

would need to be changed to "Every American needs to get off their butt and seek the fullest definition of their unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, including but not limited not being a spectator of reality shows and repetitive news segments" for the law to be legit.

One guy in Raleigh, North Carolina named Gus, sitting among Hardee's wrappers and his game cube games had a pessimistic view of the new law, "What are they gonna do? Make me? This is freedom. Sitting here if I want. Watching re-runs of Growing Pains, if I want. You know?" Gus has been unemployed by choice for over 8 years and says the only motto he lives by is, "I'm Loving It" which he got off his super-size McDonald's beverage cup.


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