March 28, 2005

Octopus Raises Tentacle at Non-Walking Sea Life

The recent discovery of walking Octopi made by biologists at the University of Berkeley, California, took our reporters to the bottom of the ocean only to find what could be "the snobbiest life on the planet - period".

Certain tropical fish, like the Dimidiochromis compressiceps, (see
or the Parrot cichlid, (see
which just in appearance convey an arrogance and untouchable "A-crowd" feeling are being overshadowed by the overwhelming air of superiority radiating from the walking octopi. A well-spoken sea turtle told us that he is sure that, "...the cephalopods believe they have reached the summit of riteousness because walking surpasses all other forms of exercise".

We were able to get one of the octopi to speak to us, "We see dolphins doing elaborate jumps and flips in the water, we see speed swimming penguins.... but none of their activities obviously keep their weight off. When is the ocean going to wake up and smell the blubber forming around their mid-sections? Look at all us octopi -- do you see a pudgy one among us?"

Not knowing that sea life resorted to diet and exercise as an option, our reporters were at a loss to reply, at which the octopus continued, "I'll take your silence as an acknowledgement that I'm right."

said that she was developing a complex from the cruel and relentless portrayal of the perfect octopi as representatives of the average sea creature in underwater magazines like Glamour Fish and Play Pirrahna.


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