Cherrystew

April 27, 2005

Truth Uncovered: Doug Sponoke IS a Lame-Ass

Doug Sponoke from Denver, Colorado told reporters for his local newspaper, Wednesday, that despite popular belief, he really does "get out of the house once in awhile". The twenty-six year old eye examiner assistant said that some of his favorite activities to do outside the house include hiking, going to Chili's to watch ice hockey, and hanging out at his friend Greg's house where they "cut up". "I go out about two or three times a week, sometimes more," he added.

Greg told us that Doug is "severely stretching the truth", "Oh, My God! Did he say that he goes hiking?! And me? I haven't even seen him for three months. Did you tell him that there wasn't ice hockey this year? This is SO ripe!"

A private detective hired by Doug's parents and sponsored, in part, by the group, Get Up! which does interventions for lame-asses, followed him for a week. Doug sitting in his car at a Sonic after work one night, eating extreme tots and a burger, and the next night, coming out of his apartment to collect the trash in his car from his trip to Sonic, were the only activities they documented him doing the entire week.

Doug's parents say that they never had this problem with him in college, "He was involved with all kinds of activities, parties and sports. We could hardly get him on the phone." Greg's response to that was that in the four years they attended JMU in Harrisonburg, Virginia, he could, "...count on one hand how many beers Doug had drank outside of the house (not counting the front lawn) they rented with some other guys, and that if Doug never answered the phone it was because he was too busy playing Mario Cart. Also, if you want to count showing up for class as an activity, then I guess Doug was the man on campus."

Several days after the release of this article, Doug agreed to enter a Get Up! program and is now being forced to make one plan per week that does not involve sitting in his car.

7 Comments:

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