December 19, 2005

Chattanooga Braces for Another Faulty News Report

According to news reports by local weather persons, Chattanooga, Tennessee should have experienced an uncharacteristic amount of winter precipitation by now. The truth is that the only true flakes have either been seen on the nearby ridges and mountain tops, or from the scalps of moisture-hungry heads. That's right. It's dry here, and the prediction of precipitation on Sunday was most heinously unfulfilled by clear blue skies and sunshine. (Sunday was supposed to be another snow maker.) And, that's just one of the faulty reports of "snow" that have been brought forth this December of 2005.

Here are a few things that are more likely to happen than snow in Chattanooga, TN:

1. Goats ordered by mail to consume the out-of-control kudzu

2. Bus drivers get a raise

3. A third Starbucks opens in the Nooga's Hixson suburb

4. Rains meatballs and pancakes

5. Road crews start to adequately mark construction

They say that they're overdue for a major snow storm. It could happen and has before (about eleven years ago according to local legend). I guess that's why it's in the forecast every five minutes. Because weather, as we know, is so predictable and likes to stick to a regimented schedule.

December 09, 2005

Top Ten Things I Want for Christmas

10. Ditech to change their jingle.

9. The war on Christmas to be fought with toy weapon kits.

8. To actually see/hear some Christmas carolers

7. Howard Stern and Bill O'Reilly to compare their money piles like Scrooge McDuck and Flinthart Glomgold.

6. Find out how many people really enjoy having Thanksgiving style food all over again on Christmas Day.

5. The "Siesta" incorporated into American culture.

4. Eggnog drinking fountains built next to water ones.

3. The banning of uncomfortable shoes.

2. A t-shirt that says, "Suicide Bombers Blow."

1. A little Liger cub.

December 04, 2005

Plans for Genetic Superhuman Coming Together

With the announcement that Brad Pitt is adopting Angelina Jolie's children, plans by UberTube, Inc. to create a superhuman seem much more plausible. The Learning Channel is even thinking of going ahead with their series, "A Geneticist's Story," in the early Spring of 2006. Although Pitt and Jolie have never officially announced that they are an item, analysts believe that his adoption of her children is the best evidence they have yet that they're playing kissy face.

"The next step," started UberTube's Lillian Friest, "is to get them in here for DNA samples. We would actually prefer it if they let us take care of creating their offspring. We plan to squeeze out every bit of perfection from both of them, not that they have far to go. Their imperfections must literally be found under a microscope at this point."

From the inside, it seems that both actors have hearts of gold, and obviously on the outside, they are the finest our species has to offer. Although there may be some kind of genetic predisposition to one disease or another, it seems that it will be harder to find fault than it is to get the best of their DNA.

Several countries have already placed bids for the DNA information, as well as for cloning rights. So far, Brad and Angelina have refused to comment or release hair samples.