October 27, 2005

Top Ten Don'ts for Halloween Costumes

10. Harriet Miers in Supreme Court Justice Robe

9. Sponge Bob (he's just not as cool this year)

8. Fat Oompa Loompa - it goes against everything they stand for and no one would get it

7. For Couples: Brad & Jennifer

6. Aileen Wournos (as seen in Monster) because although she would be amusing at a campus Halloween party and she is very scary, you'd still have to explain yourself the whole night when people would ask, "Aileen who?"

5. On Fire from the Lava Anakin Skywalker

4. Gas Gauging OPEC Guy

3. Janet Jackson's Daughter

2. Super Natural Disaster Man

1. Donald Trump Not in a Suit (too scary even for Halloween)

October 25, 2005

Mars Rover Finds Very Unexpected Evidence of Life

NASA scientists say that finding the petrified head of what has been called, "Pretty Paula," was not really what they had in mind when they said last year that, "If Mars has life, then we'll find it," in regards to questions about the longevity of the solar-powered Mars Rover, which was supposed to last thirty days, instead of a year.

"Pretty Paula," appears to have belonged to a humanoid about six inches high, and would have weighed approximately half a pound. Geologists are scrambling to figure out what environmental conditions may have contributed to the petrification of the little human. They're also wondering, like everyone else, why "Pretty Paula" was named that and how her head got separated from her body.

Some scientists are skeptical of the discovery. Leo Von Guttersplut from Virginia Tech's science department speculates that the head was planted intentionally by the rover as a last attempt to find a life form, "I believe that Petunia Head was some science fiction geek's attempt to get people to believe in other life forms. She looks like your standard cupie doll. Get with it folks."

National Entity for Real Discoveries or (N.E.R.D.) released this comment Tuesday: "We are sure that Pretty Paula will be everything that we imagined. As for those that do not believe, let us assure you, Pretty Paula will be verified as real. I mean, come on... she's totally out there in the middle of nowhere. What are the chances that she wouldn't be real?"

Nasa said that they are still investigating the appearance of the head and are making no assertions as to her authenticity.

October 21, 2005

Apple Comes Out with Nano Bubble

For allergy victims, the creator of the rock star of small musical devices, Apple, has created the ultimate cure. A epoxy sprayed, umbrella-like shield, drapes over the entire person, shielding them from rag weed, pet dander, and eczema. The bubble is packaged in a sleek, futuristic cover - no bigger than a cigarette box, in black or sanitary napkin wrapper pink, and also organically knows when the allergy prone person is suffering from symptoms.

Some models include wheels which keep you from needing to hold up the bubble while you're walking. So far, the bubble has sold over a million of its protypes, but this success is not being applauded by everyone. Some allergy companies are complaining because Apple refuses to feature the software, in this anti-allergy-pod, which will allow doctors to have data collected from the Nano Bubble for their copies of patients' medical records.

Upgrades in the Nano Bubble include a 10 megabyte storage which will let you listen to downloaded songs while under its protective, mothering shell, and a compact roll of tissues to help you in those first five minutes before the Bubble gets control of your allergies.

October 12, 2005

Satan Says: "I Wish I Was an Oil Company Executive"

Earlier this week, Mephistopheles exhibited signs of two of his favorite deadly sins, envy and greed, when he was asked what his opinion is about the escalation of oil prices: "You know, it's kind of like those rich minimalist artists," began Satan. "You just wish you would have thought of that because they make it look so easy. The oil tycoons are doing the same thing. No matter that they're increasing their net profits anywhere from 20% to 50% from the past four years. What they're really insinuating to the entire country is, 'Got Gas?' with this totally delicious, greedy smile and getting away with it. Even environmentalists are beginning to say, 'Go, Global Warming, Go!' just so they won't have to turn the heat on as much this winter."

The Devil seemed offended when our reporters asked him whether he would be hiring any oil executives as consultants on how to be more evil, greedy and heartless. "It's not my fault that they didn't go through me first. Somehow they just totally excelled in their evil-ness and ran with this oil gig. Anyway, I can't be in every place, or in this case, every gas station at once, you know," fumed Satan. "What I might have to start asking myself is, 'how did I miss out on this action?' But honestly, if they were to actually come and work under me I don't know if I could take it. I'd be wondering the whole time, 'if they're content to screw-over the entire country, how can I trust 'em?'"

October 10, 2005

Plastic Surgery Commercial Bombs

A plastic surgeon in North Dakota has attempted to sue the production company he hired after he saw the commercial they made for him which featured this grisly image. Dr. Snouter claims that he had no idea that Splitting Image, Inc. was planning what he called "a grotesque, Halloween-inspired mockery of his business," after clients called his office to complain. Several patients who had recently completed healing from rhinoplastic surgery claim that they would never had used Dr. Snouter's services if they had known what bad taste he had in commercials.

Vice President of Splitting Image, Inc., Chucky Plimpton, claims that, "Dr. Snouter gave us complete artistic control. He said quote, 'do whatever the heck you want, just get me some ugly ducklings in here.' We thought that the mask would get people's attention since Halloween is coming up so soon."

Other images featured in the two minute commercial include borrowed images from Hell Raiser and the poorly rated, Hannibal, during which a voice-over in the commercial says, "don't resort to these measures - let Dr. Haug Snouter, the professional, take care of it."

Dr. Snouter has obtained an attorney in order to sue Splitting Image, Inc. and has had the commercial pulled three local t.v. stations.

October 07, 2005

Something Wicked in My Archives

Just when I start directing potential freelance-writer-seekers to come to my website, weird things start happening to my archives. For example: May 2005 - click on it, go ahead. How about clicking on almost any of my previous posts? Those linky pages are freaky with a capital EAK.

I've e-mailed blogger. It may be something sub-human like that cyber/human blend that embedded intself into the internet on the X-Files.

All you information hungry people out there may just skim through this and never know the content. Others, if you know of the leech inside my archives - please comment below. Thanks for your patience.

P.S. If anyone wants to see one of my articles to the right, but can't open it, e-mail me and I'll send it to you. Thanks!

October 06, 2005

Porcelain Rider Cat Debuts

Last night on the late-night show, "In the Wee Hours," Handy Cat transformed himself into "Porcelain Rider Cat" for host Mickeymash McGraw.

October 04, 2005

Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the TN Lottery

10. Many Will Play - Even More Will Lose

9. Just Because You Didn't Go to College Doesn't Mean You Shouldn't Pay for a Stranger's Kid to Go.

8. Play the TN Lottery - A great way to workout the thumb and forefinger!

7. If You Haven't Played the TN Lottery, You Probably Still Have Money in Your Wallet!

6. Millions Pick Five - We Pick One!

5. Be a Volunteer - Donate to the TN Lottery

4. The TN Lottery - Capitalism at its Best!

3. When 9.25% State Tax Just Isn't Enough!

2. Graceland Needs Renovation- Play the TN Lottery

1. The TN Lottery - There Ain't No Place I'd Rather Put My Cash