April 27, 2005

Truth Uncovered: Doug Sponoke IS a Lame-Ass

Doug Sponoke from Denver, Colorado told reporters for his local newspaper, Wednesday, that despite popular belief, he really does "get out of the house once in awhile". The twenty-six year old eye examiner assistant said that some of his favorite activities to do outside the house include hiking, going to Chili's to watch ice hockey, and hanging out at his friend Greg's house where they "cut up". "I go out about two or three times a week, sometimes more," he added.

Greg told us that Doug is "severely stretching the truth", "Oh, My God! Did he say that he goes hiking?! And me? I haven't even seen him for three months. Did you tell him that there wasn't ice hockey this year? This is SO ripe!"

A private detective hired by Doug's parents and sponsored, in part, by the group, Get Up! which does interventions for lame-asses, followed him for a week. Doug sitting in his car at a Sonic after work one night, eating extreme tots and a burger, and the next night, coming out of his apartment to collect the trash in his car from his trip to Sonic, were the only activities they documented him doing the entire week.

Doug's parents say that they never had this problem with him in college, "He was involved with all kinds of activities, parties and sports. We could hardly get him on the phone." Greg's response to that was that in the four years they attended JMU in Harrisonburg, Virginia, he could, "...count on one hand how many beers Doug had drank outside of the house (not counting the front lawn) they rented with some other guys, and that if Doug never answered the phone it was because he was too busy playing Mario Cart. Also, if you want to count showing up for class as an activity, then I guess Doug was the man on campus."

Several days after the release of this article, Doug agreed to enter a Get Up! program and is now being forced to make one plan per week that does not involve sitting in his car.

April 25, 2005

High Gas Prices Help Simplify Local Soccer Mom's Life

Truck drivers and pizza deliverers have no reason to be celebrating the recent spikes in gas prices, but we found someone who says she can link her better quality of life the past few weeks directly to the oil market's shenanigans.

The homemaker and mother of 3, Rachel DeBue from Cleveland, Tennessee, admitted that if it wasn't for the high gas prices, she wouldn't have come up with such well organized itineraries for her errands.

"I remember taking one of those Math for real life courses in college, thinking how cool it was that traveling salespeople could do math problems and graphs to figure out the most logical routes for their sales, but I never thought that I would apply those formulas to real life," said Rachel.

A day in the life of Rachel DeBue showed that besides driving her kids to three different schools, volunteering and taking care of her Aunt, she is found running to the grocery store and the YMCA at least once a day, which turned out to be a whopping average of 6 errands or 6 separate trips out of the garage per day. It's no wonder that when the price of unleaded got to $2.50 per gallon, she dug out her old Math for Liberal Arts Majors book and found a way to shave her trips down to just 2 or 3 per day.

"I'm actually grateful for the high gas prices, really. My life has become more convenient in so many ways. I have time to juggle balls now, not errands," she added.

Most people, having only seen the downside to the nearly double prices in gas from last year, have started buying motorcycles and bicycles in protest.

Rachel says that she has her life so organized now that she can go ahead and buy the red Hummer she has been eyeing even though that would cut her mileage in half.

The Aunt-in-law, Melba, who Rachel has been taking care of everyday for three years said that, "Rachel's theories on gas prices make about as much sense as seeing a Cirque du Soleil show if you have a fear of Avant-Guard clowns."

April 22, 2005

Venus Fly Traps Set Sun on Earth Day Celebrations

A plant expert at a St. Louis, Missouri, Horticulture Convention in celebration of Earth Day 2005, said Friday that she had, "...never seen anything quite so horrifying," after she witnessed a Venus Fly Trap exhibit eat 4 people, and injure 2. Wendy Salem, who specializes in orchids, claims that she and several other people were completely exhausted after they spent 15 minutes pulling the survivors out of the giant, green jaws of the plant. Carlos Flemming, the man who put together this particular exhibit, which featured over 10, 8 foot tall Venus Fly Traps, is being held for questioning after a convention goer said they overheard him say, "If you let 'em get real hungry, they get this real pretty shine and color. These guys haven't eaten for six weeks."

An expert we interviewed said that she only knew of one case of a Venus Fly Trap eating a person and that was documented in 1896 by the grandfathers of the modern day Ripoff's Believe 'Ems or Don't Believe 'Ems.

The convention center which at the time of the feeding contained about 25,000 people shutdown 3 hours early after counselors and the Red Cross were brought in to calm everyone down.

Earth Day events elsewhere across the globe have been peaceful.Posted by Hello

April 19, 2005

Feline Protests Cross a Deadly Line

*Those with sensitive dispositions may want to skip this blog due to the ferocious nature of the photo below.*

Part of amateur journalism requires that we show you the truth, haphazardly, without peer review, and sometimes, as you know, all of the above is frightening.

The following photo shows two cats after they terrorized a Wisconsin town Monday night in protest of Elmer Fudd being released on bail after he shot a cat at a dumpster. Both cats are still on the run. The photo, taken by a security camera, was given to us by the hotel where the cats napped after they completed their bloody rampage. Apparently, the room had been left open by the previous visitors. Keep in mind, these cats may look peaceful, but that's only because they are very, very full. Can we say roughly 10 people not accounted for (at least)? They say the more peaceful the beast, the bigger the meal they just ate...

Serial Killer Cats After a Night of Gorging Themselves Posted by Hello

April 18, 2005

Elmer Fudd Spotted Hunting Cats in Wisconsin

The Looney Tunes character Elmer Fudd was seen by a local waitress at a Shoney's restaurant this weekend, carrying a shotgun and the hide of a stray cat. Apparently, Elmer had shot the cat behind the restaurant as he spotted it jumping out of the dumpster.

Although the law proposed by Wisconsin lawmakers has not yet passed, that didn't stop Elmer from doing a little pre-law hunting. The waitress who witnessed the shooting, Anna Belks (who happens to be an avid cat lover), said that she yelled at Elmer from the back door to stop. Elmer allegedly put his fingers to his lips and replied, "Quiet, I'm hunting fe-wines" then proceeded to kill the cat. The cat had on a collar and lived with his owner, Marley Richards, in a house behind Shoney's.

Ms. Richards told us how she felt about her cat, Bumbo, getting shot, "He'd been outdoor all his life. He always ate at Shoney's. My Bumbo's only crime was that his collar blended in with the color of his fur, which I guess is my fault really. I just never imagined someone starting to kill the cats before that law passed."

Elmer Fudd was released Monday morning after the Tasmanian Devil paid his $300 dollar bail . Charges are expected to be brought against Mr. Fudd by next week.

If you believe that the only thing more ridiculous than this story is the fact that Wisconsin is actually trying to pass the "shoot Sylvester law" click on this link: Save Sylvester

April 14, 2005

Fox Launches Angel of Death Makeover

Television does a great job of pointing out all of our most heinous physical flaws with shows like The Swan, Extreme Makeover and many more. No one should be shocked to learn that Fox has found a way to raise the stakes even higher with its wildest makeover series to date. All of the subjects in queue are famous people, however, producers are not yet sure whether the other stars will be able to top their first subject, the Grim Reaper. Because of the shock effect of seeing the Grim Reaper (or Angel of Death) close-up, Fox executives may only run one 4-week segment of its new show, Makeovers of the Macabre - (Pale Death Becomes Great Tan). Although it's difficult to disagree that the Grim Reaper lacks most absolutely, every physical characteristic which can be construed as attractive, except for "thin" perhaps, it is even more difficult to imagine the makeover crew having any success.

If anyone thinks that Mr. Death will start out looking anything similar to the way he is portrayed by Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black, then you will be most disappointed. The Grim Reaper you'll meet on Pale Death Becomes Great Tan will look just like the typical one you see on Halloween, except scarier. If you are imagining a scythe, black hood and absent or pale, thinning face, then you have the Reaper Man.

Fashion and Beauty Expert, Denise Houston says the first thing they will do is let the Grim Reaper sit in the tanning bed for 3 minutes, "We have to take this slowly to make sure that his skull doesn't burn. Next we will see what we could do with all that gauntness. Usually we try to thin people down, this time we'll be feeding the subject like a Sumo wrestler. Another thing that will detract from the Reaper's sunken appearance is a really fun flip-do."

If the show has success, producers have a few other subjects in mind, like, Makeovers of the Macabre - (It's a New, Not Boo Elvira), (Paula Abdul - Get Out of the Slamming Door), and finally, (Ric Ocasek - It's Magic!).

April 12, 2005

Would Jesus Hunt Online?

That's right everyone. Our children can play Grand Theft Auto, but the world is ending because someone out there wants to hunt virtually. What will the Supreme Court say? What would Jesus do? It's funny how something that is legal in real life could even possibly, in the least, become illegal online. I guess you shouldn't hunt for animals online that you can't hunt for legally in reality. Wow. How long have we been hunting ourselves in video games? I remember becoming a ninja on a TRS-80 in the eighties. I started killing evil Ninjas at the age of 7. Now they're letting us kill animals... virtually?!!! Oh My God!

Please let me interupt you for this breaking news update:
I'm sorry to be the one to tell everyone last terrible bit of news you'll ever hear... A vortex, which scientists are calling the final evidence they'll ever need to prove that black holes exist, opened up Tuesday morning after The Chattanoogan reported an article so ridiculous (Effort to Outlaw Online Hunting), that the Universe could no longer support the human race.

Sorry for all the drama. But, if you really want to know what should be illegal, you should go to Harrisonburg, Virginia, which on a clear, pleasant day will often smell like dog food, which in college, we so originally used to call, "Dog Food Days". Now, this isn't the crime in and of itself. The real crime is having to drive behind one of the chicken trucks which are filled with all the hungry-for-chicken-feed-chickens. Imagine feathers and the smell of semi-rotting chickens squished into little cages. Do I still eat chicken? Chicken Link Well, yes, but like every pseudo naturalist says... "at least I buy free-range eggs"...

You could play Spot-the-Crime with the previous paragraph all day long if you wanted. The point is that I'd rather have a hunter learn how to perfect their shots online -- Live-Shot (whether it's on a panda bear or a bald eagle) than listen to a poorly shot deer cry out in the forest... and certainly rather than driving behind a semi of sardined, zombie chickens.

April 11, 2005

New Coke Product Released!

The Coca-Cola Company, Monday, released their most innovative beverage to date. Although a huge debate permeated their corporate headquarters regarding the name of the new drink due to the chemists who created the soda not clearly communicating with the advertising department about the drink's shocking contents, Coke did not have to keep us in suspense long. With the lab creation to its placement on store shelves only taking three months, "Just One" which will be advertised as "Just One Coke" is Coca-Cola's new high-birth-weight baby. Shareholders first thought the name would limit consumption of the new drink until they learned more about the contents. "Just One" is the first cola product by Coca-Cola or any other soft drink producer to have in its ingredients, the entire recommended calorie intake one needs for a single day. Boasting a hefty 1,500 calories, the drink meets the maximum for women and the minimum for men. Makers of "Just One" thought perhaps this would lead to a gender split with the drink, so rumors of "Just One Women" and "Just One Men" are floating their way to the media. So far, there is no talk of "Just One Kids".

The FDA had little to say about the high calorie/zero nutritional content of the new soda. Do we smell a pay-off? Marketing tests revealed that most actually feel full after having the drink for up to 6 hours, while other bodies still needed solids. A small percentage of those tested were instantly flown to the nearest hospital for severe vomiting.

Coca-Cola released this comment Monday morning: "We are so excited about "Just One". After releasing Coke Zero, we saw the gap in the market just staring us right in the face... some people want the calories -- something that will keep them from consuming other things, like food and beer. Another thing, we know that small children that already drink our regular Coke are going to love this because there's actually three times the caffeine in "Just One"."Posted by Hello

April 08, 2005

Gross But True Segment: 82% of Chattanoogans Don't Use Curbside Recycling Program

Meeting Conducted by Local Family Regarding Household Waste Management:

Man, was it hard, but we did it. Thanks for all your help everyone! We couldn't have folded down our cereal boxes, washed out our milk cartons and placed them into plastic bags without all your muscle and effort. I don't know what we would have done with those cans either if it hadn't been for your participation. Now, for those of you that carried the bags to the end of the driveway on Thursday morning, I want to specifically recognize each of you with a cookie. That's right. You tell me you did something which you think is difficult and I ask you "do you want a cookie for that?".

It does take a little effort to get into the habit of recycling, sure. It's just a bit more complicated than taking out the garbage because of those moments spent rinsing and folding. But you would think that in a town like Chattanooga, Tennessee, blessed with close-knit families and involved communities that consider their children and grandchildren to be their highest priority, it wouldn't be a stretch to find them looking out for the future of the land on which they live. Well, I guess it is though... it's a gigantic, back-breaking, impossible stretch for 82% of the residents.

And when you think about it, even if you don't care at all about overflowing landfills and other environmental issues, is it really all that hard to put your recyclables into a Wal-Mart bag and take them to the end of your driveway? The current program is not strict on crushing, folding-down, separating or even rinsing. For free, they collect once a week -- right in front of your house. That's right, 82% -- just don't do it.

Because of the lack of participation, the city will no longer recycle glass for us and if you want the trucks to come by your house, you have to sign up. (That's right, before the city got fed up, it was completely free (minus taxes of course) and you didn't even have to sign up). I guess it could be a lot worse. They could have ditched the program altogether. I'm not a business model expert, but 18% seems like a pretty good number to say "let's can it".

Unfortunately, I have not yet disciplined myself to be one of the spritely guardians of Mother Earth that I should be, and by no means am any closer simply by taking advantage of this particular obscenely obvious and painless ways to help out. Being part of the 18% is only the very least that we can be doing.

April 06, 2005

Top 10 Jean Styles for Spring/Summer 2005

10. Special Edition, 5-pocket, Below the Crotch

9. Half-crack, Buttonfly

8. Pre-washed, Whole Crack

7. No-Butt, Boot-cut

6. Ultra-low, Outer-underpants Cut

5. Acid-washed, I Can't Believe I Just Saw a Button Fly

4. Tight fit, Just Below the Crack

3. Just at the Crack, Flares

2. Barely-There, Zip-flies; and

1. These-jeans-are-so-low-they-were-free, Regular-fit

April 05, 2005

Cat Nirvana?

Posted by Hello
This is Kerouac [care-o-wack], a male cat, age 6, residing in Chattanooga, Tennessee. The fact that cat shows across the country have been unable to find a category in which to judge Kerouac has done little to stop him from building a fan base reaching into the tens of thousands. Just one of the ways he has made his mark in the world happened on January 15, 2005, when he was identified by Beck's Book of World Records as "The Most Comfortable Cat in the World". (Beck's did make a new category for Kerouac). Winning the record was based on the fact that scientists, veterinarians, architects and doctors have all tested positively, that Kerouac is able to find, in every moment of every day, the most comfortable place to rest and groom. They tested him on wood floors (as seen above), linoleum, carpet, bean bags, wood chips, closets and tile. Based on read-outs from brain sensors, it was proven that Kerouac maintained vital signs similar only to those of a meditating maharishi.

"You can tell, just by looking at him, no matter where he lies down, he's found it, the best, most comfortable place ever -- and it follows him wherever he goes," said a fan from Virginia.

People have come from around the world to learn from Kerouac and to see whether they can glean any of his secrets to pure snuggliness. Chiropractor companies from across the States, as well as some mattress companies from Sweden, are starting to use Kerouac as the ultimate model for comfort. "We want to make people feel like they're this cat," said Svish, from Back Again Mattresses, Inc. out of New York City.

Sleep in Style Hotels, Inc. wanted to buy the rights to Kerouac's image so they could produce signs and logos for their hotels and motels. Stuffed animal companies, such as Stuff-A-Bear and Navy Bean Babies are basing entire gift item lines on Kerouac that the card company, Passmark plans to feature in 2006.

The caregivers for Kerouac have said in several interviews that " can use Kerouac as a product model, you can try to emulate his sleep patterns and positions, but no one on this planet can be 100% comfortable at every turn and twist in their day like this cat can. If even half the planet could be like Kerouac, there would be no wars".

Here are some bits from Kerouac's profile for fans:

Favorite activity besides resting: Trying to escape from the house

Favorite activity once he has escaped: Terrorizing and catching birds

Favorite friend: Ginsberg - an orange, male cat

Other animals he knows: Gigi, a female dog

Best feature: Belly

April 03, 2005

Jelly Beans: King of Flavor Festivals

Staring covetously into our children's Easter baskets year after year, we forget to ask ourselves the question: Why do jelly beans get to have so many fun flavors? Out of all the candy produced in the world, as far as I know, only jelly beans get to come in such an array of flavors, followed narrowly by lollipops and candy canes.

As a naive teen, my first job was working in an old fashioned style print shop. To further authenticate the rustic feel, we sold candy canes in glass jars. I always thought that sassafras and all the berry flavors offered were so deliciously unusual. But now, staring into the tempting nest of fake grass and plastic eggs, I think how simplistic, how unoriginal sassafras stands in the face of my personal favorite, "buttered popcorn". It doesn't even stop there... someone show me a jalapeno flavored lollipop. Where are your cantaloupe, orange juice, strawberry jam and cafe latte canes?

And so many of us, are overcome by the tempestuous chocolates that parade themselves on grocery shelves, so brazen, so easy, while jelly beans, in their festive eclection, stand by watching. These beans that could calm the bloody wars of the world by their shocking match to true flavors. Perhaps these beans could winterize the red, screaming faces of politicians like Zell Miller and Howard Dean with their symphony of flavors.

Like the endearing movie, Super Troopers

we justifiably proclaim that "crushed pineapple tastes like crushed pineapple" as the young man in the movie did that "These schnozberries taste like schnozberries.".

Without breaking into a song and dance or ode, I'm afraid little more can be said of these fine and tasty ovals.

April 02, 2005

A Note About Pope John Paul II

Whether one is a Catholic, non-Catholic Christian or none of the above and whether or not you believe in doctrines supported by him, today is a day to reflect on the life of Pope John Paul II, who stood firmly for peace (even in the face of the President), acceptance of all races and religions and personally forgave the man who shot him in 1981. Not all will see him this way, I know, but acknowledgment of this man is in order across the world.

See you Monday.

April 01, 2005

Girl Misses Field Trip, Opts for Abortion

Waking up late on Friday morning last week, Lydia Brook, age 11, failed to get her permission slip signed before her parents left for work, which would have let her go on the school field trip to the local pretzel factory, Twisty Tasty, Inc. Lydia told us that she was heart-broken that it would be impossible to get a hold of her parents in time to make the 7:45 a.m. departure, so she sat and cried at the kitchen table. She had at least 15 minutes before her Mom's friend, Mrs. McCuddy would arrive to drive her to school.

Lydia tells us that she is a big fan of reading the comics and Hints from Heloise and that she thought they would be even better on the morning of March 31st, 2005 since she was feeling "down about the Twisty trip". Apparently, she is also known to read the headlines on the front page, according to her Grandma (name withheld). The headline overpowering the paper that morning was "Growing Number of States Shoot Down Parental Notification for Abortion". Lydia tells us that she was able to get her mind off of the indoor, Twisty Tasty, Inc. mega play center, it's giant machinery and generous samples in no time, with a brand new itinerary for the day. She tells us that she, "...ditched the ride with Mrs. McCuddy, who always talked about her son's football events and drives like a maniac retard" and proceeded to grab the yellow pages and head downtown.

A few hours later, Lydia was sitting at a desk being asked a number of questions about her body, social life and parents, (which she secretly had fun making up the answers to, including asserting that her boyfriend "...was 25 and looked like Brad Pitt"). She also conveyed that she felt quite proud of herself for finding something to do besides "sit in Mrs. Emory's room at school reading Ranger Rick magazines until the end of the day". Lydia was questioned by a woman she described as a "modern looking, twenty-something year old," but that she didn't remember anything else about who we later identified as Jenna Thomas, one of the intake directors at the For Women Clinic. When we asked Lydia why she would choose to go to an abortion clinic over other activities she might have done while skipping school, she answered, "Heck, if I can't get a free sample of a honey pretzel, twice-glazed in a sweet mustard dip, with a Dixie cup of lemonade made from locally grown lemons without a permission slip, at least I can get an abortion".

A bit more naive for her age about the ways of life than most girls, our Lydia did not connect that to get an abortion she needed to be pregnant first, so was disappointed for the second time that morning when she realized that she had skipped school, taken the downtown #19 all the way to 4th and Parker and went through what she considered an enormous amount of brain work making up the answers to all of this lady's questions, only to be turned down for the procedure after managing to pee into a tiny cup, which she told us "reminded her of the Dixie cups of lemonade that everyone was probably drinking at that very moment". The overall experience was described by Lydia like this, "I was asked a lot of grown-up type questions, which I didn't care, I wasn't embarrassed. They said that my boyfriend sounded kind of old but to please not tell them his name, which is fine because I hadn't thought of one yet. Right as I was leaving, they asked me if I thought my parents would mind it if they gave me a lollipop. I said that they probably would mind since I didn't really know anyone there that well yet."