January 31, 2005

Iraq's Election

This is amazing. I was impressed and moved by the dancing in the streets. I checked out the reaction on Al Jazeera to see how they painted things. The headline basically said that the real turnout numbers were less than the initial predictions, yet admitted that at least 60% voted. They also focused on the towns that didn't have a good turnout. If you think other news organizations have a bias, you must see Al Jazeera. In the same article they talked about a Marine getting killed.

Well Al Jazeera, we'll just let Iraq speak for themselves - since they obviously have just done so. They are celebrating and smiling. In some locations, they walked over body parts as they moved through the line. This is a counter-revolution. The sixties would have loved this kind of thing if they could get over the war part. Heck, it's the same as it ever was. Hippies at odds with themselves- protest the war or celebrate the voice of the people? I'm going to side with the 8 million people who just voted in Iraq and with the soldiers around the world who have died for the cause. We are the New Hippies.

XOXOXO is kisses and hugs

... in response to comments on the "The Truth is Out There..."

Also to another comment, I agree, Hillary may very well be the new voice for the Democrats. She is an expert at molding/marketing herself. Please read Dick Morris' book "Rewriting History" for a candid look at the Clintons and Hillary in particular.

Just one great example of her self-marketing pointed out by Morris is how during Bill's presidency she got criticized for changing her hair and "look" too many times. Since her running for New York Senate she has had the same hair-style and donned clean jackets with an open blouse, rather than the mock turtles.

It's petty to point out someone's style perhaps, but politics is totally about the presentation - so tailoring your wardrobe down to a science may not be so trite after all.
Her molding is also evident by her switching from appearing very liberal to going centrist on issues... ex: voted for Condoleeza, supports the work in Iraq. A lot of Democrats are saying that the mistake they made in 2004 was putting in a far-left candidate. Hillary is working hard on making sure that when they take a look at her most recent history as Senator, they'll see a moderate politician who off and on supported the beliefs of some Republicans and Independents. It's an art form. The question then is - how does she really feel about the issues? According to Morris, everything she does is solely for the sake of appearances and gaining power. We'll find out soon enough... 2008.

January 29, 2005

The Biology, Theology, and Science Inquisition

The answers may be more bizarre than the questions themselves... I have tried to reproduce true conversations between me and my son.

Topic: Nose of the Almighty
Boy: Does God have a nose?
Mom: Well... I don't think he really needs one, but if he wanted one he could have one.
Boy: Why wouldn't God need a nose?
Mom: Because he already knows what everything smells like.

[this goes on of course with considerations of how God knows what everything smells like because he made everything, etc...]

Topic: The Intent of Flies
Boy: Can flies eat you?
Mom: No.
Boy: They don't?
Mom: Flies don't eat things that are... alive. [panic starts]
Boy: Why?
Mom: Flies only like to eat dead things. [this can't go to a good place]
Boy: Why do they only eat dead things?
Mom: That's their job. Something's gotta do it.
Boy: Why?
Mom: When things die something has to help it go back to the Earth.
Boy: Why?
Mom: [this answer will make a nice children's book] Well, you wouldn't want a bunch of dead animals lying around in the forest would you?
Real nice, Mom!!

Topic: Fascination with Electricity
Boy: How does electricity get into the poles?
Mom: It comes from the power station.
Boy: How?
Mom: Uh- the power station has conductors - giant coils of wires - that generate electricity.
Boy: But how do they get the electricity.
Mom: It's complicated. [meaning I don't really know for sure]
Boy: But what happens if you touch the power lines?
Mom: [Oh good, I was losing it.] You can get electrocuted and it's very painful.
Boy: Why does the electricity hurt you?
Mom: Well, the human body has a lot of water in it and electricity likes to travel through water.
Boy: Does it hurt?
Mom: Yes, very much. Or, you could die.
Boy: Why?
Mom: Look at that funny dog! (another tactic to change the subject - redirection)

Topic: Dolphins Have a Whole Bunch of Blubber
*I advise all parents and care givers to get their small children to say the word "blubber" as often as possible. There is nothing funnier.
Boy: Do dolphins, sharks and whales go way, way down to the bottom of the ocean?
Mom: Well, some go pretty far down but most sea animals can't go too far down.
Boy: [take a guess] Why?
Mom: Because the more water you have above you, the heavier it gets... like having more and more books stacked on your head.
Boy: OH!!!! And dolphins have a whole bunch of bih-lubber on their bodies - it's really thick - to keep them warm.

[Yes, son. I'm gladly you finally understand.]

So you can see... although I may have learned about some of this stuff in school, there is no way to find the language or in-depth understanding of each and every topic that is needed to be able to explain, in simple terms, the very fabric of the Earth. This is why I propose a mandatory 101 course in college called Essence of Matter, Time, and Divinity for Purpose of Explanation to Ages three through five 101, and the following year, Diversion and Redirection in Parenting. You would need another course (because you couldn't cover it all in the Essence one) called Creative Explanations on the Origin of Pregnancy which would include a two week review of Diversion and Redirection. It's not a prude thing - you try answering the "how does the baby get in the belly?" question to a child that wouldn't stop with the answer to it even if you gave it straight.

January 28, 2005

The Truth is Out There But We're Not Going to Find It

This appears to be the mind-set that is sucking the energy out of the Democratic party. They may have a lot of people who believe in them but what else is there after you agree that truth is subjective? I'm not talking about the Joe Liebermans and McCains - I'm talking about the far, far left side - Howard Dean and Ted Kennedy come to mind.

No offense, fellow friends that are Democrats. You know I love debating this stuff. Yes, maybe I've turned some of you off beyond repair. Well you also know that we don't have to talk about it - we can break out the guitars - and you can stop reading before you become outraged.

I have just become disturbed by complaints and naysaying from the Democratic party over everything from Social Security to Iraq. Are they truly so opposed or are they just looking for something to define themselves?

In my mind, "Power to the People" ironically has become more of what Republicans want right now: Social Security reform - gives everyone a chance to invest a SMALL portion of money THEY made, Democracy in Iraq gives a large group of people a choice. Isn't choice what groups like NOW pride themselves on being all about? Instead, a sheep-like, socialized system is what the Democrats seem to be offering in response. Throughout this I want it to be clear that I check the "Independent" box in the registration department. All who think that I've sold-out to the Republicans should also note that I voted for Bush after deep consideration of all platforms - Bush presented a more tangible plan, while Kerry, after hours of listening to him on various channels - left me with confusion and a sense of "what?!". And I know for a fact that many out there voted for Kerry for any reason other than they thought he would be a good president. What I'm getting at is that people need to start hearing AND listening to both sides of the story... which will be talked about in just a moment.

Expanding on Social Security, I think of it this way - only sheep want other people to spend all of their money for them as if they were children. Even my five year old son gets to spend some of his birthday money before we put the rest in savings. The Democrats should want to take power away from the government more than anyone else right now anyway - the government is primarily represented by Republicans.

Iraq: are we tired of freedom? Do we think that no one else really needs it? It's strange to think of all the thousands of people who have died keeping this country together. Now, all we can do is talk about failure two days before Iraq gets to have a voice of their own. Although, he is one of the hugest naysayers ever, I do agree with Ted Kennedy somewhat about moving a small number of troops out as soon as possible to make a point of our intentions to the Iraqi people. Other than that though - can we just help Iraq get through these elections without dividing ourselves in the process? Did everyone forget how successful the Afghan elections were?

But really, something has shifted. One side has closed it's mind on a lot of topics and they don't have a leader. Tell us who you are. Rise up and speak. Tell me I'm wrong for thinking that despite the mistakes that have been made we can still have hope for ourselves and Iraq.

The far left tells me that they want the voices of all people to be heard... except when it comes to the voices of those that oppose them, an immediate judgment of their intelligence, intentions and integrity is made. The best example is of course the voice of Fox News. Yes, the evil nemesis of CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, The L.A. Times - but shouldn't room be made for another side of the story so maybe, just maybe, the middle road will show itself? I watch The Daily Show, SNL, CNN and anything else I can get my hands on that shows a side that presents a liberal or mainstream view. Why shouldn't a less judgmental viewpoint or to be fair, one more swayed to the opposing side be presented? If you don't listen to both sides (on their turfs) aren't you closing your minds?

I don't think Democrats are idiots. Will Democrats such as those who constantly say that Republicans and Bush voting Independents are zeolot-freak-bigots please do everyone a favor and not constantly berate the opposing view? Where is the non-judging, pc love on this one guys? Please tell me that if you agreed with a point or platform made by a Rebuplican - that if you found truth in someting they said or did, you would admit it.

January 27, 2005

And You May Find Yourself...

I know that when I go back to where I grew up, which during nostalgic moments, is home, and when I'm there, is Springfield, NOVA, or even sometimes, Traffic Town, I am submerged into an instant but grateful culture shock. Northern Virginia has people of every nationality. I am glad to once again acknowledge how lucky I was to grow up around so many cultures. In NOVA (Northern Virginia), you may find yourself a minority if your ancestors have been in the United States for more than a generation.

In Tennessee, I have experienced the reverse of NOVA. Whereas NOVA, which on a punchy side note can mean so much - for example: NOVA: 1. the big bang or "super nova" of mass immigration which occurs within and without the beltway of Washington D.C. on a daily basis; 2. in Spanish - "no va", which translates to English as "don't go" as in don't go to Northern Virginia during morning (5:00 a.m. - 9:30 a.m.) or evening (3:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.) rush hour if you don't want to have a stroke from the stress of driving in the area; and/or 3. N.O.V.A. (neverending overload of northern virginia) is constantly building apartments in every farmland, ex-industrial area and mall median just to keep up with the growth, the particular area of Tennessee in which I live now, seems to be (from what I hear), a much better microcosm for the rest of the United States - in not too many more words - a whole bunch of Caucasian and African-American (herein "white" and "black") people.

Now when I see someone who is anything other than white or black I uncontrollably notice. I hear myself in my head say, "there's a Chinese person" or "that person looks Hispanic". What is my deal? When I first got here I felt very strange. I mean very. I felt like the word "NORTH" was tattooed on my head and that anyone who wasn't white or black was being "taken away". (I got bangs). Then I just got used to everything as humans are apt to do. My world is two-dimensional now with the occasional warp in from the rest of the world's population.

Well, who cares? you say. I'll tell you who. Me. After 20 plus years of being submerged in a world of couscous, curry and spanakopita, I've landed into the world of white bread. Where do I buy good hummus? Who has my baba ghanoush? Has anyone seen a good Indian or Afghan restaurant in Chattanooga? To be fair, I have not explored thoroughly enough the beauty of this town, but I think I made my point.

And truly, the people are extremely wonderful and often metropolitan here. Just because you're not a melting pot town doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It's just a very strange feeling that one day when walking through the mall you realize - as if you were inside a Talking Heads song - "this is not my beautiful..." traffic town or "you may find yourself..." living in a southern town.

January 25, 2005

Senate Rejoices Over Catch-Up Day

Magazines, ipods, instant pagers and text messaging were the activity du jour for Senate members attending the second round of interrogations for Secretary of State candidate, Condoleezza Rice.

Barbara Boxer was seen exchanging Game Boy cartridges with Ted Kennedy while they waited for another chance to question Condoleezza. "Well, she borrowed Mario Cart from me last week and promised that I would get back my Sponge Bob the Movie," said a pouty Ted Kennedy. Barbara had a different spin on the story though, "That's what he thinks. I'm not handing over anything... a vote for Condoleezza, my copy of Oprah the magazine, and certainly not Mario until I get back my Harry Potter cartridge."

Many Democratic Senators admited they attended simply to avoid another ho-hum day at the office. Howard Dean said that they weren't just stalling on America's progress by making Condoleezza wait while Colin Powell unpacked his bags... it was more along the lines of a "free day".

With an Ipod of freshly saved, live Bruce Springsteen concerts in one hand and a stack of questions in the other, John Kerry said, "You know, I'm neither for Condoleezza, nor for the Senate making her wait. I am going to vote for her? No. Will I take advantage of the system today? Yes."

It looks like text messaging beat out both the Ipods and Game Boys, however. A symphony of Scoobie Doo, Love Boat and Funky Town message alerts seemed to overwhelm Condoleeza's answers at one point. To these accusations even newly elected member Barach Obama had a twist, "Hey, Republicans get to do a lot of neat stuff at their inaugurations. We need a fun day too."

January 24, 2005

Country Music Slows Progress at Paper Mill

A rampage of headaches stemming from a total aversion to country music has plagued a local maintenance man. Holding the side of his head he was quoted as saying, "I just can't get a damn thing done with that country music playing."

A worker at the same factory warned other employees not to play Garth, Cash, Black, Williams or even Faith Hill around the head maintenance man, Ted Finch, at the Hamilton County Paper Mill in Hixson, Tennessee. One employee had been blasting Shania Twain that morning when he got a nudge from a contorted faced Ted who told him that if anyone wants to meet their quota today they better, "...turn off that Swiss head." [Most likely referring to her home away from Canada - Switzerland]. Other employees asked the Shania fan what Ted's "deal is". Another thought that he probably was "just a total freak to begin with", while another said that "anyone who doesn't like country music or even a cross-over artist like Willie Nelson would be prone to headaches or even migraines."

In the meantime, Ted says he'll continue to let the soft and classic rock stations play through the speakers in the break room but that anyone who switches it to the country station can expect to find him on the floor writhing within fifteen minutes. The owner of the plant said that the company has no policy regarding which genre of music is piped into the plant but if he had it his way he would play Tim McGraw 24/7. While no compromise seems possible with this senior employee who has put the sound system on lock down, we will check back next month to see if the majority wins out.

January 23, 2005

Some Good Toys

*For hours of entertainment, try the giant hulk hands that growl and crunch when you smash them together.

*Simon Stix - use the important part of the brain we call memory in a fun way and pretend you're playing the drums - and they light up in cool colors.

*Nothing like a bucket of little plastic creatures - dinosaurs, sea creatures, zoo animals. These never get old. Keep them away from 3 and under though.

That's it for now. Just goes to show you never know what you'll get at Cherry Stew.

The toy companies can thank me with a monetary donation.

January 22, 2005

Breakfast of the Anti-Christ

Well folks, after years of searching the back alleys of snake-charming churches and front rows of heavy metal concerts, a breakthrough has been made in the search for the anti-christ. Skeptics may even have to agree on this finding.

Yesterday, at a Cracker Barrel in Chattanooga, Tennessee, a man mysteriously appeared at table thirteen and ordered a chicken and egg biscuit with a side of livers. The server who apparently told the guest that they only have fried livers on the dinner menu says that her stomach turned when the strange man turned to her and said, "I didn't say I wanted them fried." The 20 year-old server quickly turned the table over to the only person who would take it, her temporary manager, Ozzie Osborne, who at the time was being filmed for the newest reality show, "Get Me a Real Job".

Skeptics believe that the mysterious man with the twisty goatee was all part of the reality show's attempt to spruce up the mundane reality the writers had chosen. However, the directors actually fired a couple of the scene managers over what a camera man said was an uncontrollable urge to film at table 13.

The eeriest aspect of the story has turned out to be not the goatee or even the raw chicken livers, but the ordering of a chicken AND egg biscuit. A regular at Cracker Barrel said, "You know, everyone orders a chicken biscuit sometimes and everyone orders an egg biscuit sometimes, but ordering the chicken and the egg together, man that's kind of weird. It's like something you would do if you're a serial killer.... you know, like saying [loud and theatrical] I'm gonna catch both of ya', and them I'm gonna eat you together on a single sandwich for breakfast!"

January 19, 2005

Biology Professor Admits His Origin Unknown

In a rare T.V. appearance on the cable news show, The S***s and Giggles Stop Here, Dr. Varmit clearly admitted that his knowledge of the universe's creation stopped about 5 billion years ago. When asked where he believed the matter needed to create the universe came from he replied, "We are still applying and trying theories on this matter. One thing is sure though. It wasn't any kind of God." Despite protests by the T.V. show's host, Bill McGillicutty, that since neither the theory of intelligent design nor that of evolution had been totally proven, neither could be disproved, the professor refused to be convinced.

Immediately after the show, Dr. Varmit vanished in what looked like a cloud of giant, imploding models of atoms. Witnesses say that his disappearance either proved that God was watching, got angry and let the man evaporate or that Dr. Varmit's theories or lack thereof, made it impossible that he could have ever been allowed to become a professor in the first place which in effect, made him disappear into the nothingness from which all was not begotten. Witnesses believing the latter theory also quickly vanished. Chief Sarge said he believed Dr. Varmit disappeared due to a mistaken case of reality.

To All Offended By My Recent Post...

and no, not the one about the Sloppy Joes (I'm still waiting for responses on that one)...

I guess I came across as completely sacrilegious about the ceremonies of this great nation. Is it wrong to even write tongue-in-cheek style about these things? Well, now that I've been taken seriously despite criticizing both parties and undecideds... I'll tell everyone how I REALLY feel.

In the spirit of satire, all things are open for discussion. If you're going to poke fun at one, poke fun at them all. I tried to do that. Do I really think that they should have hotdogs at the Inauguration... what do you think? Someone said that President Bush didn't really get to have a "real" Inauguration last time because of all the hanging chad incidents... so go ahead, have a party if you want.

However, in the spirit of political cartoons, The Onion, Saturday Night Live and the First Amendment I will continue to make fun of more things in the future. In fact, tune in tomorrow or later this evening when I make fun of the points made by a professor of Biology.

And yes, my un-researched spending proposal of presidential inaugurations is laden with more holes than cheap swiss cheese.

And, I did donate to the Salvation Army Tsunami Relief project but I won't tell you of the puny amount. Cuts on the author's generosity, monkanocity, or lack thereof are always welcome - in the spirit of the First Amendment.

What I'm really trying to say is... didn't anyone else laugh at SNL's impersonations of President Bush and Senator Kerry?

It's hard work making people laugh.

January 18, 2005

Now you and a friend can fly to Saturn's moon, TITAN for just $250,000. Just pick a date, post in "comments", and I'll check on availability. Posted by Hello

Sloppy Joes Still Shocking the Dow

In an unprecedented report, stockholders for Sloppy Joes claimed a 15% lead this past quarter making competitors such as Grilled Cheese and Pimento Sandwich cower and hide their tales. The success was contributed to an increase by public school cafeterias to use the sandwich.

When polled, 95% of kindergarteners chose Sloppy Joes over their other choices for that day: chicken fries or chef salad.

What has kept Sloppy Joes on top of the American sandwich market? CEO of Sloppy Joes, Wensington Joe, Jr. said, "It's not just the increase by cafeterias across the nation... it's just a darn good sandwich. I mean, what do consumers want on their sandwiches most of all? Exactly... they want meat." When asked whether the messiness of eating this all-American sandwich kept their stocks from booming even further, Mr. Joe, Jr. quickly replied, "Look at other messy foods. Ribs or wings for example. People take substance over etiquette when it comes to eating. And you know [laughing], you don't see people busting out hundreds of thousands of petite cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches every day. Give me Sloppy Joes or give me nothing."

Mr. Joe, Jr. was quick to cut off the interview however, when we posed the question of nutritional value to his famous Sloppy sandwiches, "I have nothing more to comment". Our investigators asked if the Sloppy Joe was worthy under the new and improved Food Pyramid to officials at the FDA and one told us, "Listen, once and for all, if we serve it to our children in public schools, it's healthy! I'm proud to let my children choose Sloppy Joes over other healthy cafeteria options - even over hot dogs!"

Will the breathtaking trend continue for the Sloppy Joe, or will the popularity of PBJ and Turkey and Swiss on Rye make an overdue comeback? We'll just have to wait until the next quarter to find out. In the meantime, keep chowing on those Sloppies.

January 17, 2005

If It Was My Inauguration

First of all, the spelling of inauguration is just horrendous. It's awful, just awful.

Second of all, I know this is what, like the 55th inauguration to date so there's nothing new about the extravagance of them. Third, Bill Clinton's second inauguration was about 33 million dollars. All presidents seem to love spending money on themselves but I say, let's put an end to second term inaugurations or follow the simple plan I have set out below. We all know that it's a huge security nightmare - why go through the headache? And yes I have to agree, the 40 million being spent on this one sounds like a lot of money to me. I think any elaborate party should be able to get under a million dollars any day.

I know they have to invite everyone who is anyone in Washington and most of those people have to pay a huge amount for the tickets. So, still do that, but flip a coin so only one of the major political parties can go. Just think, if Democrats won the coin toss, you'd have a much smaller head count too. What about the undecided? Don't worry, they're probably staying home anyway*.

Then, feed everyone hotdogs and potato salad. Make it a BBQ. BYOM (bring your own meat).

Open bar anyone? No, just kegs of Pabst Blue Ribbon and wine boxes. This President doesn't drink either - for a real cost cutter close up the bars and have 5 day coolers filled with juice boxes set up everywhere.

Then, let's move it to Las Vegas. You can get great rates for banquet rooms there (even with the airfare added it's still cheaper than D.C.).

I know you need music. Well, my band would do it for $500 or less for sure. That's a drop in the bucket.

Finally, instead of 9 ballroom events, let's just have one, ok? Who can go to 9 parties in one night and still enjoy themself? That's even a lot for your average Greek Row.

So there you have it. I know there would be a few mad government workers here and there (they wouldn't get the day off after all). I know Oscar De La Rente would find it gauche to have his dress worn at a BBQ. The hickory smell would never come out of the sequins. But come on- as always there are tons of groups and people in need. How many out there haven't had the thought cross their mind... "now couldn't that money be used for **blank** and **blank**"? How many out there who really, really dislike President Bush would grow a tiny soft spot for the man if he called off the whole thing and donated the money to people who have been screwed out of health insurance?

The argument goes then why have any kind of special party - wedding, funeral, retirement party? Humans like to party, that's why. And democracy loves celebrating itself... and in many ways... it really should... I know I love the 4th of July (and fireworks are not cheap). But winning the vote a second time? They've already given you a great gift... the gift of power. With all due respect to our legacy of second-term Presidents (minus 33-40 million dollars), I say "work it, don't flaunt it".
*If you caught onto my poking at those who did not decide in time to vote in Election 2004 you are offended and pissed. Please take comfort that I am going to report myself to the first organization that cares enough to condemn amateur, political satire.
P.S. On a serious, but festive note, Happy Birthday Martin Luther King Jr.!

January 15, 2005

It's Good to Be Prince

Can we stop freaking out about Prince Henry for a minute? Yeah, the kid dressed up as a Nazi. It was pretty offensive to see. But let's look at this closely. First of all, can you or anyone else possibly imagine the rebellion he suppresses? I'm not sympathizing with Nazis or with their sympathizers. Let's get that straight. I just tried to imagine growing up in a surreal world with a selfish father, a grandmother that is a Queen, and a mother that was ostricized because she had to get out of her fairytale marriage to a man obsessed with a woman named "Camille" of all things - and that died tragically.

Oh yeah, and then your life is scrutinized beyond the realms that first children probably experience because one day "you may be king". Try wrapping your mind around that concept.
So, do we go out and lynch him because he went to a costume party dressed like a Nazi? Sure, it's tacky, offensive and unacceptable. It's all those things, but who cares? Do we have the king thing hanging over our heads? Wasn't it just a costume party? Is it possible that he's not very mature?

Let's take a poll now of the most offensive costumes we've worn in our life.

I started out as Bride of Frankenstein at a college Halloween party but as the night progressed, my teased up hair-do fell and I got tired of the shoes. I transformed into Buckwheat. I painted my face dark. I felt that somehow I had crossed a line, but I didn't feel that crossing that line had dropped me off the edge of the Earth. How about you? Anyone dress up as Scott Peterson, a Kamikazi, or Hitler before?

How much more can I write about this? Someone out there will still call me "bigot of the day" for this despite my protests that I'm neither a Nazi, Klan member or Facist, nor a sympathizer. And why- because they've lost their sense of humor or I'm completely not P.C.
As a possible future figure head/leader he should learn a lesson and some history - let him go to Auschwitz and be done with it. Good idea Charles.

A nice quote from both the Bible and Raising Arizona seems appropriate here:
"Now, let he who is without sin cast the first stone here."

January 14, 2005

Dog Takes Waffles From Boy

Dogs are unpredictable. That's why deep down - I tense up with fear when I'm around these fluffy, loving, teeth-baring mammals. My dog is nice, sweet, listens to the band play the same phrase over and over and barely ever hides her head in shame. She can however, snatch the waffles right out of my son's hands like it's her job.

I guess it is her job. If you could steal, fart and yell at nothing for hours without little consequence wouldn't you?

Hiring: Dog. Salary based on experience. Great retirement plan. Within running-away-from-your-employer-distance to great sniff sites, including other animals' urine, trash and open garages.

On Halloween, I went out with my son for trick-or-treating. My husband stayed home to hand out candy. After about our third house down, I see a dog running frantically with a giant grin. It's my dog. I run through neighbors' yards in my Zombie Hilton costume chasing her down. I picked her up and rang the bell for our house. My husband had no idea that she had snuck out as he handed out candy.

And she's a Good dog. What do the owners of dogs who do far worse do? Does the laughter die down after the third chicken has been ripped off the table? Are there any signs that the dog you get is just mildly insane as opposed to sociopathic? Thanks for your responses!

January 13, 2005

End of Time as We Know It

I've noticed that my fortune cookies as of late... do not actually tell my fortune at all. Now, I don't eat at fortune cookie giving places everyday, but when I do, it's stuff like:

"Romance comes to you in unusual ways" It used to say, "Romance WILL come to you in unusual ways"

What about: "You are suffering indigestion." as opposed to "You WILL suffer indigestion in the very near future."

Even without proper English, one could find tons of fortune telling fortune cookies in the past.
"You become rich friendship by being good friend." This still denotes a future even though it doesn't use proper English. Properly stated you would have encountered, "You become rich in friendship by being a good friend." We all know what that means (sort of) either way. Now we don't get the future or proper English. "You are rich friend being good friend." No one gets much from that and we certainly don't have a rat's (ox's or rabbit's) chance of a future in it.

In conclusion: the fortune writers have passed into the time of all previous fortunes where there is no future of which to write about left.

Please write with your fortunes reflecting or deflecting this.

January 12, 2005

Hi-di Ho Everyone!

You guessed it. It's towel day. In order to get my membership at the Y, I collect dirty towels. Hey, isn't more glamerous than some jobs? - and it's not like I get paid any actual cash - it's on a whole different level. I wash them. I dry them. I even fold them.

The towels are important. One time I got there for my "shift" and there were maybe 5 clean towels left. Yes, five - for the entire Y. What is the senior citizen swim class going to do? They don't bring their own. If they can't abide by the 2 towel limit even, how are they going to go from 6 to 0.

Let's face it. Even if you have a towel, you feel like you can't get clean in the locker room. Your feet are wet and they've been on the floor. Do you stand on your towel? Isn't it just soaking up moisture from the bacteria infested tile? No towels is catastrophic. People start coming up to you like you exist all of a sudden wanting special towel privileges. "Listen, I'll be back from jogging in 20 minutes, will you have a towel for ME by then?" "Save me one." "You must have one in there somewhere!" How about, the starchy ones from the factory that havn't been unwrapped or pre-washed? They went for those.

Towels are a lot more important to some people than I ever imagined.

Still Churning at 10:00 P.M.

Sometimes we want to stay up late.
This is my first blog. I may stay up very late.
I may turn this into a poem.
Come back tomorrow to find out what how I really feel.
It will be like freshly baked bread.