September 28, 2005

Overheard at Art Festival: "I Could Have Made That."

"I could have made that" was the the phrase on everyone's mind as they viewed this entry displayed at the 2005 Annual Visual Wonders Festival in Montreal, Canada. The piece titled, "Greek Farmer Resting on a Wagon," by Nancy Crunch had a price tag of $2,400.

One visitor to the festival commented, "The sad thing is that someone who comes here in the next two weeks will buy this at full price just because its here, and the title is so hotsy and abstract. I could make this on my computer in 3 minutes."

Several others said that they had cracked the creative secrets of the painting, "What do you think, Mary? Just your average software bundle paint program?" [addressing friend]
"Absolutely," replied Mary, "This could be made on your average computer in roughly three minutes."

We tracked down Nancy Crunch at the festival to ask her just how long it did take her to create the painting. Her response showed little personal injury from the criticism, "Listen, the point is that the people who said they could have made my paintings, didn't it. It's much like the inventor of the smiley face -- anyone could have done it, but only that one guy gets to make the bucks off it. Anyway, if just one person finds artistic merit in my work, it's art."

Obviously, there was more than one person who believed Nancy's paintings have quality. Patrons went into a bidding war at the end of the festival and Nancy's "Greek Farmer Resting on a Wagon," sold for $9,000. She never did tell us how long it took her to make it.

September 27, 2005

Handy Cat: Episode 3 -- Laundry Tips

Hi! I'm going to show you how laundry needn't be such a pain. In fact, you might actually learn to love it if you follow my detailed steps. You may be asking yourself, "what's there to love about laundry?" Well, if you have never crawled into a warm pile of it, then don't ask. Now, for the steps:

1. Don't let the static frighten you away -- the charges will subside. Just let the warmth overpower you into a cat nap.

2. Be sure to crawl in through the side to optimize immersion. If you crawl in from the top it only makes it more difficult to find a lookout (because as you can see, this is great camo as well).

3. After the sock (i.e. rabbit, snake or mole) has lost its allure, forget the laundry. Someone else usually ends up folding it don't they?

Now, you're probably asking yourself why you didn't learn how to repair anything in this episode. Well, if you consider that I never claimed to be the one that put the 'y' in "handy" maybe you'll stop asking why. If you want to know who put the the 'at' in "cat," however, that would be me.

Make sure you catch the next episode of Handy Cat which will show you the proper way to chew and digest gnarly insects and household items like rubber bands.

September 16, 2005

Foot Binding, Corsets - Yeah, Kind of Like That

We can discuss the impracticalities of women's clothing all we like, but in the meantime, one or more of the following may occur:

1. The ruffles on our poet shirts float, from six feet away, onto a glowing candle wick and catch us on fire
2. Modern shoes decide to throw caution to the wind and just present what they've wanted to all along: the reintroduction of foot binding
3. Because of what they really are now, "shorts" become obsolete and are replaced by the word, "wedgies"
4. Size charts, which breakdown the sizes S, M, L with ranges of measurements in inches and centimeters, add columns in between that say "Out of Proportion People See Here" or
5. Pants become legwarmers because they no longer have a waist at all as in "at waist" "just below the waist" and "ultra low waist"

September 07, 2005

Geometric Artwork Still Sucking Up Cash

Painter, artist and occupational therapist, Leroy Princely, says that he's spending less and less time on his artwork and making more money. This piece, titled, "Ocean Crossroad," made Leroy $15,000 last week, but apparently took only 5 minutes to create. Using his Compaq computer's paint program and a little copy and paste, Leroy seems to have tapped into the human mind's mysterious enchantment with repeating patterns and geometric shapes.

"The only problem," counters Irish art collector, Ryan McPoint, "is that Leroy appears dispassionate about his work and now focuses completely on the monetary rewards like a wee ninny."

Others artists delve even deeper into modern mediums, with generative or random art, which captures the creations of computer programs. Although Mr. Princely does not use this particular medium, he did emotionally pronounce that, "if the eye likes it, who gives a flapdiddle what made it? I'm getting rich as crap because people like this junk."

September 05, 2005

Stylus Transactions Pen Revenge

A fed-up shopper at a department store was checked out this past Saturday before anyone noticed what "signature" he had used to pay for $563.00 of merchandise. An angry Newton, (last name withheld), from Seattle, WA, screamed at our reporters that he was tired of his signature, "...turning out like a gelatinous vomit clot" and that this time he was going to " them exactly where they can complete the transaction."

Popular with grocery stores and numerous retail centers, the electronic stylus has made checkouts quicker and easier to track. Unfortunately, the styluses wear down quickly and often produce signatures that make it look like your arm is being grabbed by a mischievous monkey while you're writing.

Stylus-meisters, like Howard Knots of Stylus Inc., claim that the technology is moving so fast that 95% of the stores you visit already have new styluses on order. Or is that "stylusi"? Mr. Knots promises new styluses that will obey the natural touch of the human hand much more than the current ones. "Just make sure that you try," urges Mr. Knots. "That's all we're asking. Don't be another S.A. like this guy in Seattle."

September 02, 2005

Al Qaeda Teams Up with Mother Nature

Al Qaeda has now claimed responsibility for Hurricane Katrina. The terrorist organization, said Wednesday, "You didn't think that we could do something like that, did ya?" In the meantime, authorities are still waiting to see which United States group, if any, will claim responsibility for the botched aftermath in New Orleans. Some seem convinced that only a group like Homeland Security could mess up every aspect of a mission, while others are blaming a combination of people. Currently, the F.B.I. has utilized allowances provided by the Patriot Act to check the library records of certain employees of Homeland Security to gather possible evidence.