March 31, 2005

English Professor Goes "Stark Raving Mad"

The following has been obtained through anonymous measures:

Professor T. Barnaby's English 101 Weekly Syllabus: March 28-April 1

Monday, March 28:

Write a half to one page typed, free form poem about any topic that comes to mind throughout your day today. Turn this into my mailbox by the end of the day (7 p.m.).

Tuesday, March 29:

Ok. I noticed a lot of poems about unrequited love and expressions of sadness. That's fine, but let's try to be a little more creative. Think about how the phrase, "you make me feel so blue" sounds boring compared to, "you thread my fibers into your pain web". Turn this into my mailbox by the end of the day (7 p.m.).

Wednesday, March 30:

So, I'm seeing a little more creativity. For example, Evan wrote, "and while you asked for no fruit from the garden, I grew flowers for you." It may or may not have been approached like that before, but you can still tell that he's thinking a little harder than just, "all I think about is you." The only problem is the rest of you. I counted the phrase, "This darkness makes me want to die" in more than seven of your poems and "Your love is like a rose" over ten. I mean, think to yourself, "have I heard this phrase?", or "might I have heard this phrase?". For your next assignment, you can use any words but, "love" to express "love" and "sad" to express "sad". Please, also check to make sure that you aren't unintentionally stealing lines from the latest Neptune single.

Thursday, March 31:

Alright, let's be honest with each other. Have any of you even tried to express yourselves with an original thought this week? Just because I said don't use the word, "love" doesn't mean that you should have the gall to say it in over 15 poems this exact way, "I like you so much, I don't know what to do. Maybe, I should just die." Seriously, are all of you actually that enamored with someone right now? Isn't college a little more carefree than that? I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old. So, all I need tomorrow is five original sentences. Don't even try to tie them together. Just think, "something new". And try this, don't use the words, "like", "gift", "soul", "kiss", "hold", "dream", "die", "suicide", "soft" or, for the love of God, "blood".

Friday, April 1:

I will be out of the office today. I may hunt some of you down, and when I do, I don't know exactly what I'm going to do yet... Evan, you should watch out though. I placed so much hope in you, and then, you and your pseudo-Plathian-rampage, "my eyes are filled with a thousand pictures of you". What the hell is that?!! Didn't you get it? Oh, and Joshua... just run. If cliche could become one individual and that individual represented without further definition, the very essence of all that is cliche, it would be you, Joshua. You.

March 30, 2005

Gigi Posted by Hello

March 29, 2005

Burger King Creates the Eighth Deadly Sin

Gluttony can quietly move over to the sidelines now that something much more deadly has been Frankensteined to the public -- the Omelet Sandwich from Burger King. This manifestation of impurity and grossness has rightly been coined by the FDA, the Roman Catholic Church, the American Heart Association and a list of 80 other massive organizations, "the eighth deadly sin -- Zazzle". Zazzle, although it is actually a synonym to "gluttony", according to definitions from, still manages to convey much more of a supernatural level of dissent from all that is good and pure, in essence, a fascination with what is the opposite of what is considered Holy to any peoples that seek an eternal life with a just God.

You may be thinking that Zazzle is more befitting to something else -- if you can give Cherrystew an example of this "something else" we'd be happy to hear from you. We are skeptical that Mankind has to this point in history, been able to manufacture, mold, build or cook anything whatsoever that epitomizes Zazzle more than a giant, 47 grams-of-fat-omelet, smothered in cheese, topped with bacon and sausage and served on a massive bun. With more calories than the infamous Whopper, Burger King's Omelet sandwich has possibly begun the dark times mentioned in Revelations.

All Churches, Mosques and Synagogues should take care to reveal the true nature of the Omelet Sandwich, to bar anyone from entering shrines and temples after consuming the real presence of Zazzle and to make confessions of consuming Zazzle to the public mandatory.

The question we are left with now, is whether anything can surpass the Omelet Sandwich. If we broke into the Burger King labs would we find the Osama Bin Laden Sandwich with seven layers of American cheese and over 100 saturated fat grams, or what about the Heart Constriction Croissant with more than an equivalent of an entire stick of butter in each sandwich? Where do we go from here? I don't know if it's possible to release anything to the public that is more contradictory to health issues, unless the Saturday Night Live dubbed, "Butter McCheese" sandwich becomes a reality. In the past, I considered lawsuits against fast food restaurants illegitimate since no one is forced to eat at these places... but will anyone be able to resist the entrancing, Dracula-like embrace of the essence of "Zazzle" on a bun?

*Click on the title of this blog to see for yourself.

March 28, 2005

Octopus Raises Tentacle at Non-Walking Sea Life

The recent discovery of walking Octopi made by biologists at the University of Berkeley, California, took our reporters to the bottom of the ocean only to find what could be "the snobbiest life on the planet - period".

Certain tropical fish, like the Dimidiochromis compressiceps, (see
or the Parrot cichlid, (see
which just in appearance convey an arrogance and untouchable "A-crowd" feeling are being overshadowed by the overwhelming air of superiority radiating from the walking octopi. A well-spoken sea turtle told us that he is sure that, "...the cephalopods believe they have reached the summit of riteousness because walking surpasses all other forms of exercise".

We were able to get one of the octopi to speak to us, "We see dolphins doing elaborate jumps and flips in the water, we see speed swimming penguins.... but none of their activities obviously keep their weight off. When is the ocean going to wake up and smell the blubber forming around their mid-sections? Look at all us octopi -- do you see a pudgy one among us?"

Not knowing that sea life resorted to diet and exercise as an option, our reporters were at a loss to reply, at which the octopus continued, "I'll take your silence as an acknowledgement that I'm right."

said that she was developing a complex from the cruel and relentless portrayal of the perfect octopi as representatives of the average sea creature in underwater magazines like Glamour Fish and Play Pirrahna.

March 24, 2005

Congress Enacts "Get On With It" Law

In yet another show of extreme power, United States Congress, Thursday enacted a law which will possibly force Americans to literally, "move on" to the next news story more quickly. Congress believes that Americans' attention spans, though shifty and fidgety, still linger too long on certain stories, which they feel is a national threat to intelligence (in the brain sense). Examples presented by the House include the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, Terri Schiavo, Abu Ghraib Prisoner Abuse, Condolezza Rice hearings and the Scott Peterson trial.

"What we really want," said a press spokesman for Congress, "is for Americans to get interested in other issues, like their own lives. Yeah, we know we're an integral part of T.V. ratings, but for once, we're looking out for the little man. In theory, we're not really working on ourselves any longer, when all we do is follow one celebrity to trial after another, or listen to reports every three days about America's obesity problems."

Some believe that Congress may be within the limits of their power but also agree that our famous motto from the Declaration of Independence,

"We hold these truths to be self evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." - Thomas Jefferson

would need to be changed to "Every American needs to get off their butt and seek the fullest definition of their unalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, including but not limited not being a spectator of reality shows and repetitive news segments" for the law to be legit.

One guy in Raleigh, North Carolina named Gus, sitting among Hardee's wrappers and his game cube games had a pessimistic view of the new law, "What are they gonna do? Make me? This is freedom. Sitting here if I want. Watching re-runs of Growing Pains, if I want. You know?" Gus has been unemployed by choice for over 8 years and says the only motto he lives by is, "I'm Loving It" which he got off his super-size McDonald's beverage cup.

March 23, 2005

Screaming & Kicking: Blogger Torn from Keyboard

Wednesday turned out to be a a bad day for a fellow blogger in the cyber world. Whitman Weely of Kickapoo, Kansas was literally torn away from his keyboard Wednesday afternoon when family members begged for Social Services to intervene. Whitman was found with raw fingers, some were bleeding from the tips of this nails. His eyes were bloodshot. When Social Services tried to tear Whitman away from his computer, he apparently had been holding on so tight that the tip of his index finger was ripped off. He could still be heard screaming, "Just let me hit publish! Just let me hit publish!" as they drove him away in their white van.

"It all started with him reading the news online this morning. He got into a trance. By 10:00 a.m. he had written over 6 blogs. He usually writes carefree Science fiction and fantasy pieces... but this time... it was about Social Security Reform, Right to Die/Right to Life issues, Iraq.... you name it. He's been warned several times about writing on serious topics by his doctors," said his wife Wednesday evening.

Whitman will be placed in the first of its kind, a Blogging Rehabilitation Center, which uses lobotomies and happy faces for some of its more extreme cases. Doctors told us that his condition is mild compared to some of the other patients. "We have one," said Doctor Rick, "that types on an imaginary keyboard, and another that says he's been invited to go to the White House as a press reporter."

Doctors outside the institute are puzzled by the outbreak of extreme bloggers and blogger addicts. "We're still trying to understand what makes a blogger different from other writers. In fact, we're still trying to understand what a blogger really is." [after this interview, our reporter was fired]

Jeb Bush Curtails Other Issues with Focus on Schiavo Case

*Warning* This is not an in jest blog.

I've been following the Terri Schiavo story- two sides going back and forth with well meaning intentions. While her plight requires urgent attention, it does not belittle the fact that Governor Bush has let many other issues lie on the tracks. The continuous thread of news stories regarding children being forgotten in the Florida system does not make me believe that Mr. Bush aims to protect all who are venerable. Maybe unfortunately for Schiavo, I believe people who have not yet had an adulthood in which to choose to develop the eating disorder which led to her vegetative state, should be more thoroughly protected than Schiavo who is at best, aware of a balloon. I know that every state has issues, but Florida, despite its beautiful appearance and friendly faces, does seem to have a few problems keeping track of children.

You may remember that a little girl went missing from the foster care system for over a year before anyone noticed and she finally turned up dead. You may recall that 7 adopted children lived in Florida while supposedly being home-schooled. It turns out that they were being tortured by their adopted parents. One teen weighed 70 pounds. No one in the school system checked out their home-schooling "techniques". Let us not forget Jessica Lunsford who was abducted and killed by a man who had been arrested 28 times, two of those times he had been convicted for molesting children. Despite his continuous offenses, he was not seen as a sexual predator by the Florida system and no one had kept track of him. Did I mention that he worked in the elementary school that Miss Lunsford attended last year? I guess nothing turned up on that thorough criminal background check that they did(?).

So, we have a woman who yes, should have every measure taken to make sure that she is properly represented by the law. However, while the press and the Governor grab hold the circus reigns of media madness, children are continually being neglected under Jeb's watch. Children's advocates like Bill O'Reilly catch so many of these stories which might otherwise go unnoticed. Mr. O'Reilly has asked Governor Bush to come on his show numerous times for interviews regarding his inability to address his state's inefficiency at protecting children properly, or at all.

Where was Governor Bush when they were searching for Jessica Lunsford? He was busy holding press conferences for a woman who probably has no idea of what is going on.

March 22, 2005

Some Thoughts About "Chilling"

The Santa Fe Teaching Zoo in Gainesville, Florida is not just teaching advanced concepts in Zoology. With this gigantic, male alligator, they are inadvertently changing the nature (pun grossly intended) of some dictionary definitions. If you look up a modern definition of "chilling" you may find something like: "a state of non-activity or relaxation". A punchy and jovial definition might look more like this: "a smiling, male alligator lying mostly in the shade on a pleasant Florida morning". And if you wanted to get really heady with it try: "the complete opposite of the uncontrollable awe and fear one feels when seeing this huge, male alligator with body completely prostrate to the ground, who is feeling nothing but dominance and power over the meager presence of the humans watching him, which if he wanted to, he could find a way to eat if he wasn't continually given fresh meat by that generous zookeeper".Posted by Hello

March 20, 2005

Take-Out Debate on Capitol Hill

Emergency Congressional hearings held this evening regarding the removal of a feeding tube from the Florida woman, Terri Schiavo, who has been in a "persistent vegetative state" for over a decade, were momentarily put on the back burner by take-out menu selections. For over an hour of the three designated to weigh the facts of Schiavo's case, lawmakers were engaged in a fervent debate over whether to order from an Italian sub shop or a Chinese take-out. The meeting, which took most away from the beginning of their Spring Breaks, started at 9:00 p.m this evening. The Representatives were mostly cranky and hungry after flying from various parts of the country to make a quick decision regarding Mrs. Schiavo, whose starvation began this past Friday.

One panicky Representative said, "We're running out of time... Leonardo's stops delivering after 10:30 on Sundays and China Palace stops at 11:00. If we don't hurry up and order something, none of us will eat tonight!"

Several of our reporters asked if they had made any progress regarding Mrs. Schiavo. A Representative from Florida answered, "I think most of us are leaning towards Chinese. It may not stick with us, but it's also getting late. I don't really want heavy pasta sitting in my stomach all night if this takes more than three hours."

Another who heard the remark from his peer replied, "Well, some of us didn't have a 20 course brunch this morning. I didn't have anything before church and then I found out that I was coming here. All I had was a bag of peanuts. A fat meatball sub is exactly what I could use right now."

In a flash of rare insight, one House member suggested ordering from both places " that those who were hungry for Italian, would get what they wanted, and those who were hungry for Chinese, would get Chinese."

March 17, 2005

100% Chance of Rubber Chickens

Like the cyclical nature of life, so do rubber chickens work in circles. They slow down from 80 mph to 5 mph and as soon as they pass the totally under control accident after crawling for 30 minutes, they go back to normal. You know, like a circle. I refuse to slow down with the chickens even if it means that I have to tailgate someone (which I am totally against under all other circumstances).

Something to slow down for is a cop in the middle of the road with his hands on his hips, a car upside-down with flames shooting out of it and/or a Wells Fargo truck tipped over with money flying out of it. But these people had it all together -- four cars, neatly pulled over to the shoulder. No one hurt. Thank God... now can we move along?

Of all the words in the English language, rubbernecking fits its definition more than any other. I like adding the chicken part in there because chickens have small brains. I'm sorry to offend all those chicken lovers out there, but when you're sitting in traffic on the highway, it's great to imagine that Gus in his mini-van, has a beak and feathers as he slows down to less than 5 mph to see if there's any blood and guts. Thanks Gus. If you hadn't slowed down, I might have missed seeing those people sitting in their cars on the side of the road, waiting for a tow truck, because a person sitting in a still car is so unlike one sitting in a moving car.

I am grateful that I arrived safely. I'm glad that it wasn't me on the side of the road. I just had to tell someone about those chickens out there driving cars. For something like that, one should slow down.

March 15, 2005

Another Prescription Drug Commercial

Everyone knows that dealing with a stubborn, pig-head every single day of your life can make you want to pour Tabasco sauce in your eyes. Chances are that if you get two days out of a month without the pinhead(s) in your life making you want to die, you're having a great month.

If there was a prescription that could change your unbearable loved one into a cuddly teddy bear, wouldn't you ask your doctor about it?

Exactly! This is why we're here to tell you about Bacoffbastardin [bak-off-bas-tard-in]. You see, Bacoffbastardin eliminates what doctors recently discovered to be actual "jerk cells". The cells that make your loved one a total bastard are the ones that Bacoffbastardin kills... forever.

[Cut to happy couple with kids running around]
Woman: Thank you Bacoffbastardin. Before Bacoffbastardin, Lenny here would spontaneously yell about stupid stuff. You know, just anything he could wrap his manipulative skull around.

Man: She's right. Without Bacoffbastardin, I would be making fun of my little one's speech impediment right now and squeezing my wife's elbow hard every time she says something dumb.

Child [smiling and hugging Man]: I'm gad dat Daddy takes Bagoffbatard!

Call the number below right away to ask your doctor whether he himself has started taking Bacoffbastardin (and for free samples). With a slip the mickey of the hand you can make all the bastards you know just melt away. After starting Bacoffbastardin, you will notice results within three weeks.

Side effects include, but are not limited to: lack of appetite, overeating, drooling, random bleeding, tooth decay, uncontrollable crying, missing limbs, cleft chin, greasy hair, loss of balance, staring, skipping (as in frolicking), left nostril bloating, right nostril withering, ear infections, loss of hair, knee drop, dry mouth, dry rot, forehead swelling, feeling of euphoria, feeling of depression, excessive mucus, sharp nails, reversal of belly button, clammy feet, headaches, low talking, dreams that one is God, shutdown of the liver, blindness, lisp, fevers, growth of extra taste buds and inflation of the pancreas.

When calling, don't forget to ask about Bichelimnor [bi-tch-e-lim-nor] for women!

March 14, 2005

Still Waiting for Meat Flavored Vegetables

The furthest food chemists have come as far as meat flavored vegetables is green beans and collard greens. Sometimes all you can taste is the ham. There is a reason for this. Like a good spice, ham can permeate every bite of every dish, if you just add a big enough chunk of pig fat. The problem with adding the chunk is that you could avoid this cost and trouble altogether if the chemists would get on the ball with meat flavored vegetables.

I don't personally enjoy my vegetables tasting like another food group, but I get the feeling that I'm a minority on this one. So let's just grow the flavor in the vegetable to begin with. Didn't someone already start growing flavored bananas? The question is in the pairing of the meat to the vegetable. Steak flavored potatoes is an easy start. Our chemists will need to be careful about some of the other ones though. Do we pair fish with broccoli? Turkey with squash?

I've been trying to work out sides dishes for awhile now. It's terrible when you put the plates on the table and at that moment you realize that cod and cauliflower look pretty sad on a plate together, even with the lemon garnish. If they could do tuna flavored peas, I'd be set. All I would need to add is the mac-n-cheese.

If this was successful, the next step would be meat flavored meat such as bacon flavored scallops and crab flavored chicken.

Cut out scraps and steps. Make it simple. Save a shrimp.

March 13, 2005

"Ask Your Mama" Redefines Search Engines

Most internet surfers have tried at least once. The people that don't head back to Google or other major engines after going to AskJeeves are drawn to the Q: & A: format that makes it feel like you're asking a question to a real human rather than trying to break what you need down into keywords for web crawlers to properly digest.

The latest in search engines steps away from both ways of searching. The what will probably be controversial, "Ask Your Mama" search engine will probably get you to the least amount of pertinent websites, but claims that you'll also forget about what you were looking for in the first place. When typing in keywords like, "buy", "used car", the Ask Your Mama search will produce answers like, "What the hell do you need a car for?" and "Yeah, you better believe it won't be new." This search engine will either make you laugh, or it will give you a complex deep with second guessing yourself, if you're not already doing so. The purpose of Ask Your Mama is more to remind you that you're not in charge, whatever you're looking for is selfish and unnecessary, and even if you did find it, you don't deserve it, rather than a means to find something or someone.

Some testers tried out a preference in the advanced search section that lets you select a "Sweet Mama" search. These results will soften down the results for the unstable and previously traumatized. Some Sweet Mama results included in a search for "garden equipment" were, "That's so sweet that you wanna grow flowers for your Mama." and "When you get done shopping, Baby, will you mow the lawn, please, Sweetie?" Despite the Sweet Mama preference, test runs of Ask Your Mama showed that most people were surprisingly drawn to the default Mama which testers say has "that sting like their real Mama".

March 11, 2005

Yes, We Use MSG!

Several times in my life I have called a restaurant to ask them whether or not they put MSG in their food. I try to avoid it because it's an unnecessary ingredient that has been linked to brain damage and personally causes me to have a general feeling of grossness (as opposed to corn syrup, bleached flour and nitrates, right?). One time I called a Chinese take-out...

So I ask them, "Do you use MSG in your food?".

I suspected they might since many restaurants do, but I didn't expect anything like the response I got. With the happiness of a wee babe rejoined with his Mother, the man replied, "Oh Yes! Ma'am, we doooo!" It was so enthusiastic, so proud. Right above their first dollar bill there was probably a sign that said, "We Proudly Put MSG in All Your Food!"

So today, years later, after settling for pizza, I once again experienced the loyalty produced by our Glutamate friend when I called a local restaurant to ask the same question. Now, nothing can compare to the Chinese place, but I received the same child-like wonder and awe at the existence and use of this chemical. Again, the voice peppy and glad said, "Yes, we do use MSG!" I felt like saying, "Great! I won't be eating at your restaurant ever again!"

The sad thing is that even if they don't add MSG to your food, many ingredients that they buy probably already have it. Oh well, we're all so glad, so very, very glad.

March 10, 2005

Cat Sentenced to Three Minutes in Jail

Posted by Hello

From his second level prison cell, the notorious cat, Ginsberg, begins his 3 minute jail sentence. He was convicted of 365 counts of jumping onto his "owner's" dresser at 5:30 a.m. and knocking off jewelry, coins and anything that will make a racket. He has also been convicted of harassment and noise violations for meowing at the top of his lungs when his owners are sleeping. When he gets out, Ginsberg says that he plans to, "Eat, watch birds, nap and keep tabs on the location of the family dog". The owner failed to get a restraining order against Ginsberg on the grounds that, "You can't control a cat". The owner later admitted that this was probably impossible. Ginsberg now holds the record for serving the shortest sentence in history.

March 09, 2005

Culinary Arts School Opens for Junior Chefs

Many amateur kid chefs will now be able to fully express themselves at the first of its kind, "Ketchup Kids' Cooking School". The idea to open the school was thought up by a chef who visited his niece's elementary school cafeteria during lunch one day. Chef Leonard Lee of Ithaca, New York, who owns his own cooking school called, Can of Cooks College, said he was amazed at the creativity of the grade-schoolers, "They combined vegetable medleys with milk and mustard, then poured a consume of ketchup and pineapple juice over it. I just kept saying to myself over and over, "I wish I had thought of that!""

Some have been offering encouragement to the first 10 students to enroll, like Johnny Roy, a second grader at Keystone Elementary who is well known for his reinvention of the rectangular cafeteria pizza, which he calls "the pizza sandwich". This includes any and all of the sides offered that day, along with donations from home brought items like fruit roll-ups and goldfish. One kid remarked that Johnny has been known to have up to twenty ingredients in the sandwich.

Others have criticized the Ketchup Kids' Cooking School because they believe it does nothing more than condone playing with food. Chef Lee was outraged, "I have seen things as simple as soup reinvented by these children. Do you think any adult would have thought to use vanilla icecream and crinkle fries in their beef stew?" Critics also offered that the children only eat these horrendous concoctions because they are triple-dog-dared to do so.

Chef Lee is still trying to get approval from several states to open more schools which he has already coined names for like, "Do You Know What You Just Ate? College for Kids," and "Oranges and Spaghetti Cooking School".

March 08, 2005

Jail Time in New Spring Colors

The fashion industry is proud to announce its newest addition to the world of accessories: Jail Time.

To all those on top of the latest trends who will be donning faux security, anklet bracelets, prepare to be called "Posers". You may be able to wear this handy tracking device with your black ribbon high heels, but do you have the felony(ies) to back it up? It's a little like not wearing a pink leather jacket unless you have the personality to hold it up or not wearing leg warmers unless you really believe in some lost aesthetic virtue of the 80's.

I feel that the media has taught yet another valuable lesson to mankind, that a felony can be worn like a fashion trend. (It can also be a good marketing ploy.) The welcome back for our Living expert nearly consisted of a red carpet as if she had just completed a successful space voyage to Mars.

Will I keep from mentioning this latest cosmonaut's name? I'll try, but it won't be easy since everywhere I go, I see her face... that at one time, motherly, home-style-guru face.

I've said it before, "ye who is without sin can cast the first stone," however, I think that our humble Home-Ec. Instructor and her minions would have better served themselves if she would have walked out donning a delightful, bamboo green and honeycomb badge of humility. Wouldn't we be more likely to return to checking out her well-done line of home goods if we saw her show the least bit of acknowledgment for what she did?

March 07, 2005

Child Labor Important to Tennessee School Boards

Students have been working hard in the surrounding areas of Chattanooga, TN, to raise money for their county school boards' lawsuits. Coupon books were sold in the Fall. Box tops are collected daily. Car washes, a Christmas store, book drives. Need I go on? These hardworking kids are really reshaping the theory that child labor laws are enforced.

Some kids still believe that they have raised money for their own schools. Well, kind of. When you think about it, they're just putting the money back in the pot to pay for depositions and court costs. The money was there initially - ready to pay for books, playgrounds, art and music teachers and the correct number of homeroom teachers. It really was, and then 2.3 million dollars later, the school boards needed some cash quick.

With some good, old-fashioned smoke and mirrors, they realized that children and parents can run their own schools, that they only need one school nurse per 500 square miles (pointed exaggeration) and that despite all the money kids have raised - another 5 or 6 attorneys are more important than a sports track at the elementary school. You ask if parents are really running the schools? Well not completely, but just for some perspective, I've done over 45 hours of volunteer work this year - and that's small potatoes compared to most of the other volunteer log entries.

I guess the people in charge think it's good that our children are learning the lessons of working for what you need, balancing work and school like their college counter-parts. Those lemonade stands will help legal secretaries across the county plan worthy client lunches and purchase new dictaphones.

Just think, we only need to collect 23 million box tops to cover the court costs, so far, for one of these cases.

March 04, 2005

Internet Geek Gloats Over "1,000" Site Hits

Although most of the hits on Raymond Bronte's internet site, are due to all of his incessant editing, he still plans to throw a "1,000 Hits" party this weekend to celebrate.

In his usual monotone voice, Raymond told our reporters on Friday, that he expects a huge turnout, "You may not believe it, but a lot of people are excited about this besides me. 1,000 hits is not just baked beans, people."

There seemed to be a little confusion Friday morning, when DJs showed up wanting to know just which 1,000 Hits he wanted played at his party which is set to start at 5:30 p.m. Saturday (night?). Carl of DJ Masters told us, "I mean, does he want 1,000 country hits? rock? dance? it would be nice to prepare."

Raymond assured us that there will be plenty of dancing at his "crib" Saturday, because the only music that would be played at his party would be "Stop Making Sense" by the Talking Heads. Chips and dip will also be served with cold Zimas.

March 02, 2005

Campfires Burning in Suburbs of Chattanooga

Last night, I was awoken by a I've-Just-Sat-In-Front-of-a-Campfire-for-Six-Hours smell. Not many things actually smell like a campfire, and believe me, I spent a lot of precious sleep time trying to come up with something. I think many will agree that being awoken to any smell in the category of "burnt" at 4 in the morning can only translate in your groggy mind to one of the following: 1. My house is on fire; 2. Somebody else's house is on fire; 3. There is a gas leak and my house will be on fire momentarily; 4. Bio-terrorism; or 5. Some kind of mill or factory has just had their grand opening start on the 3rd shift.

Then I thought about the BTK serial killer and how he didn't tie in at all to the current situation, but that it was so creepy to wake up to such an overwhelming smell, and in between trying to figure out what is going on, think about this deadly freak posing as a normal guy for 30 years. Yeah, maybe my brain floats down too many dark roads. I'm working on that.

But back to that smell*. I know, people in my neighborhood have fireplaces and woodburning stoves, and that we just got our biggest snow storm of the year, (almost 1/10 of an inch at higher elevations). But seriously, it was cold last night in the Deep South. I guess it's possible that the embers in my neighbor's fireplace were creating the campfire effect. O.K., I'll accept that... eventually. In the meantime, (which is the hours between 4:00 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. I'm asking, maybe unjustly, haven't my neighbors been using other forms of heat all this time, because until now, I've never wanted to make S'mores at the crack of dawn? Or, how about, why are you funneling that smoke through my bedroom window?

When I "woke up" (I had never truly been back to sleep), though sleepy, I was coherent enough to accept the fireplace/woodburning stove explanation from my husband but only after reiterating all of the other theories and sub-plots I thought were involved.

*If at anytime during this article you have had the following morbid bit of Lynyrd Skynyrd's song, "That Smell" pop into your head then the author apologizes:

Ooh, ooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell?
Ooh, ooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you.

March 01, 2005

Man Aims to Clone Really Good Sandwich

William Sutton of Duluth, Minnesota, recently contacted the company, Genetic Savings and Clone based in California to get estimates for cloning the best Subway sandwich he's ever had. Although a cat clone may cost $32,000, Mr. Sutton was surprised to find out that his sandwich would cost upwards of $250,000.

Dr. Dopple of Genetic Savings and Clone gave an explanation for the pricey project, "You have a lot of elements going on here. The more toppings, the more individual clones we have to make. We have to clone the wheat that made the bread, the lettuce, and any of the meats in the sandwich have to be cloned, grown and slaughtered. The good news though, is that once we have the clones, we can make numerous sandwiches and possibly strike a deal with Subway to market what we intermittently dubbed, "The Sutton Sub"." Dr. Dopple also commented on how wise and disciplined it was of Mr. Sutton to freeze-dry a good portion of the sandwich.

Toppings included on what even Mr. Sutton's wife, Marianne said, "was the dreamiest concoction" include roast beef, turkey, ham, cucumbers, tomato, black olives, banana peppers, white cheese, light Mayo, mustard, pepper and red wine vinegar on a wheat sub. So far, the employee who actually put the sub together, Ned Johnson, who works at the Subway located in a local Kangaroo Gas Station and Qwik Mart has not received a raise from the company for phenomenal sandwich art, although he told us that one guy gave him a $2.00 tip after he heard about the sandwich on the news.