August 28, 2005

Handy Cat: Episode 2 -- Sink Repair

Handy Cat has returned with a heartbreaking episode about fixing the sink in his suburban home:

Hello everyone! Trying my paw at this sink was one of the hardest things I've ever done. You see, my Uncle Patches, was like a father to me, and he was a plumber. He wanted me to learn his trade. As a stubborn, adolescent cat, I refused him while I pursued the local dives under people's porches and Red Lobster dumpsters. I never learned how to fix a sink. "But he's Handy Cat", is what you say. Well, today has been like sealing up a bag of nearly stale Pounce for me. With adjustable, open-end pliers and a wrench, I was able to stop the leak. I consulted with some local plumbers for help and I'd like to personally thank The Scratching Post and Prissy's Plumbing for their assistance on this project, but especially, Uncle Patches who I know, is right this moment, in cat plumbers heaven, pawing out a shiny diamond ring from a golden garbage disposal.

I hope you will all understand why I didn't go into detail about the more technical aspects of this project. I'm just far too emotional right now.

Next time, will Handy Cat have to scale the wall with claws alone, or will his human companion understand his meows for a simple ladder? Posted by Picasa

August 24, 2005

That Dirty Evolution Word Again

Yes, evolution gave us a big, fat lie didn't it? It tried to guarantee that species would reproduce and get smarter as they went along. Those evil geologists that plant dinosaur bones. That ridiculous carbon dating that goes back more than 7,000 years. Wow. It's true, people really don't believe in evolution and they're virtually in my backyard. Now, I don't want to bash my neighborhood, but can we make a registry for these people?

Also, I think there is a double negative in here... "lie of evolution" "false premise". I mean, I get the gist of what they're saying and all, but for those of us that have only been in a gene pool for 7,000 years, this one is a little hard to wrap my non-Cro-Magnum skull around. Posted by Picasa

August 19, 2005

Top Ten New Reality Shows

10. Lawning a Mow: (Seeing if a fresh out of beauty school hairdresser can get away with turning her front yard into a salon.)

9. Who Wants to Date a Chump?: (Women fight over winning the heart of a meat-head chimpanzee.)

8. Crash My Ride: (Filming car owners' reactions after the show crew hot-wires and crashes high-end vehicles.)

7. This isn't McDonald's Training, This is Hell: (A day in the life training under a belligerent McDonald's manager.)

6. Can We Get a "Yee Haw"?: (Searching for the next American, Country Idol.)

5. What the Hell Did Mick Jagger Just Do to My House? (Filming home owner's reactions after finding that Mick Jagger has redecorated their houses)

4. A True Breaking Up Story: (Being broken up with is pretty hard, especially when it's all caught on tape and aired to the universe.)

3. Real Feet (duckling feet become swan feet with a little real-time plastic surgery - viewer discretion advised)

2. Scavenger Hunt: (just like Amazing Race, but all filmed in your local city park)

1. 60 with GEICO: (Because everyone loves to save money on their car insurance, you'll love this "info-mercial" with the best-of that talking gecko and much more)

August 17, 2005

Chattanooga Votes for Chickens

People keeping farm animals in their backyards is causing riots in Tennessee. Ok, they're not actually riots, but the article (link shortly) does come from the Breaking News of Chattanooga so it must be dramatic, right? Now, I should say that Chattanooga is a wonderful place with wonderful people, but I only wish that I could come up with some of the ridiculous news stories that actually surface around here... read this. Here's my favorite: "Councilman Leamon Pierce said, "As much chicken as I eat, I'm not going to vote against chickens."

No, Mr. Pierce, it appears that we have already voted for plenty of chickens.

And wow, those giant, miniature dogs that are as big as household horses, I mean, those giant dogs as big as some miniature horses. What I'm trying to say is, shouldn't I be able to have as many giant dogs, I mean small horses, as I want?

My point? I guess you're lucky if the worst problem your town has is that the leaders are afraid to vote down chickens because they have such an insatiable appetite for eating them. Is it like, "Yeah, you keep on growing those backyard, suburban chickens, baby, I'll be back shortly with a fork..."? No wonder they're opening up so many Zaxby's around here.

It sounds like everyone should take advantage of our leaders' lack of knowledge about keeping animals right now. I'm proud to say that I have acquired a miniature lion and a rare, albino Panda. They're so cute and give plenty of milk!

August 15, 2005

Announcement from Your Airline Crew

Welcome to FAA (Flying Ass Airlines). At this time we'd like to remind you that all electronic devices, including cell phones and pagers, should be turned off until we reach cruising altitude. We'd also like to ask that you make sure all ice picks, knives under five inches, and cross bows are neatly placed either under the seat in front of you, or in one of the overhead compartments. Once the Captain has given us the o.k., you may use your bow and arrow in the designated areas. If you are carrying butane, gasoline or dynamite, please place it in the complimentary zip-lock baggy provided in the seat pocket in front of you and fill out the "Declaration of Explosive and/or Toxic Items" Form. If you are on a terrorist watch list, but were not kept from boarding this plane, please raise your hand and let us know when you would like us to land this aircraft at an undisclosed airport. Please note that for safety reasons you may not smoke anywhere on this plane, including the toilet. Also, under no circumstances should you put poison on your throwing stars until we are at cruising altitude and the Captain has turned off the throwing star indicator light as seen above. Thank you for flying FAA. If you should see anything or anyone acting suspiciously, please report it to the person next to you.