February 28, 2005

Rock + Oscars = ROSCARS

During the Oscars last night, I really wanted someone to yell out, "Lady of the Woods! Lady of the Woods!" when Cate Blanchett won Best Supporting Actress for The Aviator. I started thinking that it's a shame that this is so unlikey to happen. Even the most Hollywood-savvy are probably too nervous to draw extra attention to themselves, and if they were going to yell out anything, it wouldn't be for something, which to them, is "sooo five minutes ago" as Lord of the Rings. Clapping and voice trained "ahhs" is all you usually get at the Oscars. These stars know that at any moment during the 4 to 5 hour process, a camera could be on them, and while random nose-pickers in the ballpark can laugh at this moment caught on tape later on with family and friends, the stars have to keep their hands at arm's reach. Nobody really wants to see Cameron Diaz scratching her inner ear or Robin Williams picking a gray one out of his arm hair. So going from that, and Beyonce dewedgie-ing herself, to Clint Eastwood up on his chair making satanic hand gestures, screaming, "Yeah, Million Dollar Baby, Yeah!" would cross the lines of composure and grace.

Your regular rock concert characters wouldn't make it five minutes at the Oscars. One of the most likely suspects is the Random-Whistling-and-Yelling Guy. You can't get through any rock concert, whether it's the Allman Brothers, Bon Jovi or Phish without this guy yelling out the bandmates' names during the the most tender moments of the show. It is usually, during the band's mantra song that That Guy rolls out his ear throttling whistle at the exact moment in the song when everyone else has stopped clapping. His plan of annoyance is well thought out too, which really means - he decided to yell out "ERIC" (as in Clapton) ever since that completely shredding solo finished up 3 seconds ago.

Really, I'm sure that Cate Blanchett is rightly being praised for her award (I've heard she was great) and of course for the mind-boggling beautiful honey and maroon dress, pinned at the shoulder with a feathery diamond broach. (The colors are not properly expressed on this link, but you may get the idea). For just this once it might have actually been exciting to see That Guy show up at the Oscars, for him to properly cheer Cate in true and proper rock concert form; so out of place, yet so appropriate, to be screaming above all the clapping... "Lady of the Woods!! Lady of the Woods!!".

February 25, 2005

Do You Want A Side of Extremes With That?

The public has become obsessed with "Extremes". For example, the fast-food, drive-in restaurant, Sonic, just introduced "Extreme Tots" to its menu. They're ordinary tater tots, but they're dressed up like their hotdog, the Coney, with chili, cheese, peppers and sour cream. Please note however, that the Coney is not described as "Extreme" at this time.

There is also a plethora of Extreme sports and activities. Anything can become the outskirts of itself. Perhaps Extreme Bowling would consist of lanes twice as long and bowling balls twice as big. Extreme Baking... I don't know... would that mean baking cakes the size of giant trucks and decorating them with anything you can find like hard boiled eggs, olives, toothpicks, radishes and paper clips? I guess extreme doesn't have to mean bigger. Although, this may be a way for McDonald's to get around the "super-size" fiasco (which was code for super profits). At the drive through you could now be asked if you wanted to "Extreme your meal" which would mean your fries would be coated with a hard ketchup coating similar to Magic Shell's chocolate syrup. Your Extreme Mac would have 3 extra patties and would be slathered with a even more mysterious sauce than the "special sauce" - perhaps a blend of French dressing, Mayo AND mustard. The price of the Big Mac value meal could go from $3.99 to $5.25 without any hitches at all.

So, is the use of "Extreme" in describing whatever you are selling, be it Extreme Scrapbooks, Extreme Contact Lenses or Extreme Pets, really just what we found with the McDonald's scenario, Extreme Profits?

I know it didn't take any time for my family to purchase the Extreme Tots. You can make your entire life Extreme. Sit down in your Extreme Easy Chair, with 30 massage settings including at least 5 Eastern methods, with your Extreme Lean Cuisine which consists of 5 kinds of meat (beef, pork, chicken, shrimp and bear) and a vegetable medley tossed in a saffron cream sauce with extremely thin rice noodles for only 20 calories, and watch either Extreme Island, Extreme Bachelor, or Extreme Fear Factor (they have to eat themselves).

This is where we're at now, everyone. It's a bigger, better and a more-of-it kind of world.

*For a truly amazing fiction read on the mentality and culture behind our extremes, I suggest a book which a good friend introduced me to, Bear v. Shark.


February 23, 2005

Top Ten No-No's for the Oscars

10. Wearing a dress that covers only one

9. Text messaging or otherwise communicating with Paris

8. On that same thought - keychain which is the actual shrunken head of your pocket pooch

7. Seating Michael Moore next to the conservative Baldwin

6. Asking Jennifer Aniston when her and Brad are going to have a baby

5. Asking Chris Rock whether or not he thinks that the Oscars are only for homosexuals

4. Tailgating on the Red Carpet

3. Admitting that you haven't seen any of the movies up for Best Picture, and you're in one of them

2. Telling reporters that there's only one star among you that hasn't done Steroids, and

1. Selling t-shirts of the "Thank you Hollywood!" billboard.

February 22, 2005

Local Girl Learns to Say "Banana"

Yesterday, parents and friends praised little six-year old Lonnie for finally pronouncing "banana" properly. Ruthlessly picked on for several months by her first-grade peers, Lonnie has finally kicked her triple "nanana" habit.

Lonnie spoke yesterday through joyful tears saying, "No one even knew that BANANAS [with obvious emphasis] are my favorite fruit. I was afraid to order a BANANA split - even for my birthday, even though BANANAS are my favorite fruit. Do you know what my favorite fruit is?"

Reporters and new fans asked Lonnie if she is still able to pronounce banana the old way (bananana). She replied, "Even if I could, I wouldn't." With a runny nose, Lonnie accepted a nice bunch of Dole bananas and a Certificate in Speech from her Speech teacher, Mrs. Rhiananona, who told reporters that, "Lonnie has made great progress. We are now going to start work on "sn" sounds. She still pronounces "Snickers" like "Schnickers" and "Snausages" like "Schnausages"."

Our investigators found out that Lonnie's peers had been calling her "Fruity Tooty".

February 21, 2005

Eat Al Dente

We've all done it - decided that gnawing on a dry noodle is really a fantastic idea. Memory is erased between the last time you ate a dry noodle and the present. At this very moment, you are probably holding in your hand the dry noodle that fell onto the counter when you poured the rigatoni into the boiling water. You are going to put the noodle in your mouth and think how silly and ridiculous it is to do it, but that won't stop you from eating it. You won't think about the last time you did so, how the crunch was precisely the kind of crunch humans don't like. It's really like trying to chew on a stick but worse. You won't even worry about possibly breaking a tooth or how a dry noodle doesn't taste like much due to the overwhelming crunchiness of it. Let's call this texture "stale brittle". (Notice that I took out the "peanut" which may have conjured up a memory of the softness and flavor of peanut butter).

And we let our children eat dried noodles too. You know who you are. If your child has ever brought home a noodle necklace then you are probably a let-your-child-eat-a-dried-noodle kind of parent. You may even let your friends' children eat dried noodles because you're thinking - hey, it's food and it's not like it will hurt them.

Well, studies are going to show something. I don't know what it is yet, but the results are going to be overwhelming in the pasta community. These studies will force the FDA to put warnings, like the following, on boxes of noodles from now on:

Surgeon General recommends that you only eat noodles that are cooked. Eating raw noodles has been known to cause holes in the throat, nerdiness in teens, disorderliness in the kitchen, and may cause rats to speak Italian.

Public Notice: Reminder of Our Dear Leader's Birthday Month

Now that you're all listening, I'd like to share some of the cheer that emanated from our Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il's birthday party.

If you were lucky, you were able to collect some of the fine memorabilia that our Dear Leader made mandatorily available to us. Besides t-shirts, buttons, framed photos, lunch boxes and headbands with our Dear Leader's face, you may have gotten a glimpse of him on the bottle caps of specially marked bottles of Kim Soda. Please remember that all underpants will be checked at undisclosed checkpoints for the month of our Dear Leader's birthday to make sure that all iron-ons of his face have been applied properly.

Did you know that our Dear Leader made 11 holes in one on his first golfing adventure? Did you know that our Dear Leader has climbed to the tips of arctic mountains by himself with no jacket? That he has a special place made for him in the after life - the chair of God himself? That our Dear Leader has discovered the cures for cancer, aids and can heal by laying on hands? And did you know that our Dear Leader invented the Earth?

Please wear as much Kim Jong Il "flair" as possible for the remainder of his very special birthday month. And please, please do not think for a moment that you do not love our Dear Leader with all of your heart which only beats because of the mercy that he has had on us. Thank you for mandatorily listening.

February 18, 2005

Saying It All With "Izzles"

Just recently, there has been a serious breakthrough in the English language. Imagine, all this time the only words we really needed were just variations of "izzle".

Let me demonstrizzle:

Your schizzle needs you to complizzle a special project on the effects of weather, particularly drizzle. So, you head down to to the local librizzle, when you notice that you don't have enough gizzle to get bizzle. You're like, "no whizzle". You decide that you're going to have to call your Mizzle so you can hitchizzle a ride bizzle because she surely isn't going to want to lend you anymore ca-shizzle.
I'm serious, this is a true stizzle.

Everyone knew what I was saying right? Can someone tell me why we need so many suffixes? You can't.

I'm really surprised that one of the greatest masters of language didn't catch onto this. We could of had:


King Lizzle

Much Ado About Nizzle

or even,

Anthony and Cleopizzle

Later authors could have taken advantage of Shakespeare's revolutionary utilization of the English language. We could of had, "On the Rizzle", "Alice in Wonderlizzle", or Stephen King's "The Shizzleing".

Let's face it everyone, this isn't just some fad linguizzles. No one says "gag me with a spoon" anymore and means it. What about 20's and 30's lingo like "you're curtains!"? We only use these when we're making fun of them. Something about Izzles is right on the mark though. This is no fizzle.

February 17, 2005

Breaking News: One U.N. Employee Has Pure Heart

Investigators of the raunchy Oil for Food scandal, which has deteriorated the United Nations' reputation to that which is hardly better than an organized crime ring, yesterday discovered an employee who has not yet fallen to the dark side.

Her name is being withheld at this time to protect her from torture and expulsion but we will tell you what we do know. Mind you, we would not have reported this to you if she held a minor role in the U.N. This woman holds a fair amount of power after working her way up for the past 15 years. How she has remained honest, respectable and kind is still being investigated. Apparently, she has even attempted, on several occasions, to help divulge information pertinent to the Oil for Food scandal, but has been thwarted by her own assistants who find shredding and hard-drive crashing their prime responsibilities.

She has remained alive, strangely enough, by telling the truth. For example: telling the peers who threaten her daily that she has installed her own security system in her office and that she has numerous undercover bodyguards throughout the building. She admits that trying to maintain her job and her existence has cost her more than she actually makes in salary, but that it is worth it to be the last glimmering bit of goodness in the building, often comparing herself to Frodo in Mordor.

When asked if she was truly the only one left with any virtue she replied, "When it gets this bad, with any organization, you have to just keep telling yourself that you can do it. You have to remind yourself everyday why you're not going to accept oily blood money under any circumstances, that you're not going to perpetuate the war in Iraq by giving money to the enemies and that it's not worth it to turn your back on the genocide in the Darfur region. Everyday is a temptation. Pray for me. "

February 15, 2005

Lobby of the Noseblowers

Now comes the fun part folks... holding the President accountable for all of the power we've given him.

There is a snippet on about the budget proposal...

Now everyone is going to say that it's probably my fault since I voted for the man. Again, I direct you to your ballot on November 2nd for clarification of this action.

I guess if things had turned out differently, we would currently have a silly budget on the table and higher taxes because let's face it, politicians really do one thing... get their party money in exchange for a law and/or money.

I mean I thought we got along great with Japan. Why do we need to pour 3 million into friendship bracelets and Honda commercials? Last time I checked, Japan still liked us. Now 3 million to encourage friendship with any country in the Middle East... oh sorry, I guess we've covered that.

I know I'm a little cynical today. It's going to be ok. I've just always been amused with government programs and grants. The old saying... "if you've thought of it, it's been done" applies here. Just change it to, "if someone has thought of it, the government has poured at least $300,000 into it".

I have some more ideas about new programs...

a research campaign to quiet crickets ($450,000)

a domesticated, affordable pet monkey (2 million)

diet salt (4 million)

law to ban the recorder and replace it with any other instrument in the entire world - including the chainsaw ($600,000)

Come on everyone, get that pet monkey you always wanted and watch it sleep soundly at night in it's little Bratz bed without the sound of incessant crickets to wake it. Stop wanting to hurt your child, get them an accordion. Eat all the salt you want and lose weight! Imagine if all these things were paid for by the government.

Oh, they are?

February 14, 2005

Controversial Proposal to Change Heart to Pancreas Shape

Hallmark board of directors decided on Monday that St. Valentine's Day will no longer be represented by the shape of the heart. Monday's statement read:

"We know that the heart has been a symbol of love for centuries. Hallmark has been happy to use the heart all these years to sell millions of greeting cards, teddy bears, note pads, erasers, porcelain doo-hickeys and much more. After serious consideration however, our board of directors, in conjunction with our shareholders, will go from using the heart shape to that of the organ - the pancreas. We believe that we have exhausted the heart in all it's many nuances and styles. We ask you to picture the pancreas in your mind now. The pancreas is somewhat oval. At first it will be difficult to associate the pancreas with love, but by next January, consumers will know exactly what the little oval-ish shape signifies. Also, because we will no longer use the heart we will also be changing the colors of Valentine's Day to various shades of brown. Our initial market research concluded that the pancreas would be the best shape and organ to model love after because people really don't think about the pancreas very much... we'll use this "forgetting of the pancreas" to launch a huge "Rekindle the Fire in Your Pancreas" program. We'll have bears holding little brown, smooth lumps. It's going to be really cute. Then by the year after that, we'll be able to get more creative with the pancreas. Expect to hear slogans like: Love Is Where the Pancreas Is or With Every Processing By My Pancreas or From My Pancreas to Yours, and our favorite... we're going to have a contest to see how many times couples can make breakfast in bed for their significant other in the month of February leading up to Valentine's Day... we'll call this Breakfast in Bed, Pancreases, Syrup and My Love Forever".

On a sidenote, Hallmark employees have already drawn up over five hundred cards featuring new designs of the pancreas and have manufactured over thirty display models of teddy bears covered with the cute little, brown ovals.

February 11, 2005

Diplomatic Immunity... Free From Guilt By Association

What is one of the first things you learn when you get your driver's license? Please choose your answer from the following:

a. Red means stop.

b. The gas is on the right.

c. Avoid cars with Diplomat plates even if you have to drive on the sidewalk.

Yes, the answer is "c".

Even before being of the age to really think about driving I was told things by older kids like, "Hey, see that car with the plate that's red, white and blue? No, that doesn't mean they're American. See how it says Diplomat? Did you know that if the driver of that car like totally ran you over they wouldn't even go to jail? Did you know that Diplomats can do whatever they want - like anything?"

What I really wanted to title this blog was, "Diplomatic Immunity... the Whore of Politics". I thought that was a little harsh perhaps. But is it? If it only meant that you wouldn't be held accountable for every single law in another country, for example, if you're a diplomat you won't get your tongue cut out for spitting gum out on the street in Malaysia - then that would make sense. But it isn't that way. Being a diplomat means that you can be in the U.N. and can bribe, steal and lie your little shrunken heart away and know that getting caught only means you'll maybe get a suspension (even though you're already retired).

What a great idea! Let's not only give them power... let's make it impossible to hold them accountable. That shows respect! Didn't anyone else get that part in Lord of the Rings when the Lady of the Woods basically says that man craves power above all else? It's like giving your teenager a sports car, $10,000, a keg of beer, a fake I.D. and a suite at Ceasar's Palace and then reminding him to act responsibly.

I understand the overall concept of having diplomats but does it make any sense whatsoever that they are given every privilege known to man without having any reason to feel responsible for how they use them?

February 10, 2005

It's Not About the First Amendment

The issue that Ward Churchill has brought up, whether he likes it or not, is that it has become o.k. to protect every single minority and group of people... except the overall general race, which for purposes of this post, we could start referring to as "American". Why are we protected within ourselves as our separate backgrounds, orientations, genders and ethnic origins but not without as a general group? Under politically correct thinking it has become impossible to say anything about any group of people. Yet, when the same group of people perpetuating the PC code want to condemn the very Americans that they are themselves, it becomes some kind of First Amendment issue. To this I say, P-lease. If Professor Churchill had said that it was the Jewish Stockbrokers who deserved to die or the Hispanic secretaries of the business investors who brought it upon themselves on 9-11, everyone would be outraged. He didn't though. He lumped Americans all together and later tried to back track. Nice try.

The issue of compassion has come up as well. Why is he compassionate towards everyone else in the world - people who create "collateral damage" as in 9-11, but not compassionate towards American leaders in history under any circumstance whatsoever? You can't have it both ways, and most people will probably agree when they think about it.

Why would the thousand onlookers that came to see him speak at the University of Boulder on February 8th, 2005, cheer Professor Churchill on as he judged the money makers of the World Trade Center as if he were God himself? He tried to clarify in recent days that he only meant that the Capitalists deserved or brought on what they got on 9-11. Oh, that's better. How vast of a difference is it really that he makes $100,000 as a University Professor for the State of Colorado? Doesn't that put him symbolically on at least the 98th floor of the WTC with that salary (and working for one of the American states)? Professor Churchill has shown us that it truly has become fashionable to hate ourselves as the very thing we have strived to become... Americans.

To his point, I don't think we should deny that the most powerful nation on Earth has committed crimes against humanity at one time or another... but that doesn't make us Nazis does it? It doesn't even make what he later tried to scale down to handfuls of stockbrokers and bankers Nazis either. Apply your logic to yourself Mr. Churchill. Compassion by it's very nature applies to everyone. Are you trying to say that an eye for an eye only applies to our eyes?

On a sidenote: If it is in fact true that you don't think that the Nazis had an organized system to exterminate the Jewish population... you are incompetent.

February 09, 2005

Mideast Peace Process Stumped Over Half-time Show Debate

Israel and Palestine agreed to a cease fire yesterday ... almost.

The two leaders of the ongoing bloodbath between Israel and Palestine had just shaken hands. Apparently, Sharone started making some small talk about what he considered a mundane Superbowl half-time show featuring Sir McCartney, with the newly voted in leader of Palestine, Abbas. Cameras have shots of Abbas' face going from a a relaxed brow relief look to one of near nausea.

Abbas, enraged said what translated to, "Are you kidding? I loved that half-time show! Did you see the stage? It was so cool. I mean, whoever thought of that deserves a raise. And McCartney, he still rocks, like totally rocks. Did you see him on the base just grooving?"

Sharone countered, "But the fireworks... didn't you think that was a little over the top? Plus, couldn't they get someone who will sing a song that was written this century?"

Aides to both sides were devastated in what had seemed the seedling for a new beginning. Abbas, who was specifically voted in because of his reasonable nature left the meeting somber and defeated. "All I know for sure now," he said, "is that the battle will rage on. Obviously, there is no common ground that we can find with Israel. Our only choice is to fight to the finish."

Sharone likewise ended with a statement to reporters, "I was mistaken about the new leader of Palestine. At least Arafat and I agreed on one thing, that last year's half-time show with Janet Jackson was priceless. Just priceless."

February 08, 2005

Beastie Boys Still Fighting For Their Right to Party

After over 20 years in the music industry, The Beastie Boys have not yet gained their right to party. The band started in 1981 but did not begin their campaign for the right to party until the 1986 release of their hit song, "Fight For Your Right" which was hailed as one of the songs on the first rap album to ever reach #1, Licensed to Ill.

Guitarist John Berry said in a recent interview with Music We Still Love magazine that, "'s been a hard road. Some days we feel that we'll never win the right to party because people won't stand up for it. I'll feel strongly about this issue even when or if The Beasties ever breakup."

Some people, now in their early thirties who were in their early teens when "Fight For Your Right" was released say that they now feel that other issues have overshadowed the fight for the right to party. Patricia Bowers, age 32 says that she feels that, "the Beastie Boys' later work with the Tibetan freedom concerts seems like a much worthier cause. They also raised money for 9-11 victims and later booed the war in Iraq. But, all along, they've never lost sight of what they believe in, partying."
Others wonder if they should ditch the fight for the Party Amendment which would state that, "all people are born with the right to party". "When did people ever lose the right to party anyway?" says Carl Lord, a stockbroker in New York, "For crying out loud, go party if you want...".
The real question is whether our government will ever acknowledge that people have this right. It's a good thing that people haven't forgotten about this 19 year battle, especially in lieu of other humanitarian issues taking over, like the right to vote.

February 05, 2005

Astrologers, Mathematicians Argue Over New Zodiac

We reported to you recently about the addition of the Armadillo to the Chinese Zodiac. Now reports are coming out of a raging debate between the sponsor of the Armadillo, Zodiac Marketing, and Zodiac-R-Us (an astrology think tank out of Seattle, WA). Rudolph Wong, Vice President of Zodiac-R-Us and a Pig, told us Friday that, "Zodiac's plan is going to be a failure. You must balance out the wheel. If you add the Armadillo, you must have eleven other new animals to even things out. And why an Armadillo? Do we even have those in China?"

Wong proposes that a summit is carried out to discuss which animals would best compliment the other eleven signs. Already critics of both companies are wondering if anything would match with the Dragon and even more are wondering if the Armadillo was really a good match for the Ox. Professor Flounder of Better Astrology and Bonsai was most critical in an interview recently when he said, "You've got to be kidding me. They want a thirteenth animal? They might as well just double the whole wheel." Some believe that Professor Flounder's comments of disbelief may actually be what prompted Zodiac-R-Us to propose the "doubling" of the wheel.

Whether the summit, tentatively to be held in March, will debunk 12 new animals or just the underdog, Armadillo, Zodiac enthusiasts are already having fun brainstorming about which animals would be the best choices. Some favorites so far include, the Ferret, Lobster, Unicorn, Panda and/or Koala Bear, Crocodile, Butterfly, Cockroach, Flying Fish and Yoda.

February 04, 2005

Armadillo Added to Chinese Zodiac System

It seems what the advocates of the Age of Aquarius couldn't do, add another sign to the astrological calendar, Chinese astrologers have. Starting in 2006, the Chinese Zodiac System will add the Armadillo to the already eclectic combination of animals in the current system. Armadillo will help out the Tiger who was previously forced to marry someone either too young or too old. The rat will also benefit by getting a new friend, while the Horse will have a new enemy.

The organization who decided to make the change in accordance with approval from the Chinese government, Zodiac Marketing, told reporters that there were too many Oxes and that the Tiger was getting neurotic from lonliness. When asked whether a "new year" would be added to history, a spokeman for Zodiac Marketing answered, "[guffawing] Don't be silly! You see, now you can decide. People born in example, 1973 will have the choice. If they want to be an Ox, be an Ox. If they want to be an Armadillo, go for it. The other years have had it much better for too long ... like the Snake who is so go-lucky. I don't think we'll have many problems with the implementation." Our spokesman, on a side-note, is an Ass.

So eat lot's of Chinese this year so we can go through those stacks of placemats. Us Horses, Dogs and Rabbits can't wait to see the new ones when we head to Gold Buffet in 2006. A Monkey on the board of directors for Zodiac Marketing said in a playful way that "we'll still be able to mock those Ox slash Armadillos. I mean, look at them for God's sake, they're both ridiculous!"

February 03, 2005

Modern Tattle-Tellers: The New Disease

Hormone filled milk may be making our children grow faster but can the rash of tattle-telling that's spreading across the country also be attributed to this liquid steroid?

One stint on an elementary school playground and you can count on several children, who even if they've never seen you before, will make sure that you know that Gary pulled their jacket, Jen kicked a piece of mulch in their eye, and John peed in the bushes. And yes, these don't even sound like such terrible events. They're not! That's the problem.

It's not obesity that we need to worry about, it's snitches, rats and informers. The playgrounds are infested with them. I don't remember running to my teacher at recess. Heck, was she even there or was she in the classroom working on a macrame owl? I don't know. I was too busy trying to make myself throw-up on the swings. Too busy chasing down Fernando with the rest of the girls. You stayed away from the teachers (if they were there) at all costs. If you got too close to them you might be there when they say it's time to come inside and then the other kids would think that you were the one to remind them that recess was over. Another down-side to hanging within twenty feet of the teachers was the image issue. You could be the worst kid in school but three seconds too long near the teachers made you the infamous "Teacher's Pet". Only the turtle-neck girls with Member's Only jackets wanted to talk to their teacher at recess.

So, another generation later and all that unspoken code has gone to the schoolyard hound. Now kids want teachers to intervene in the transgressions of their classmates down to the push and shove. It's gone from Lord of the Flies to self-imposed micro-management.

You know what kids?... it's called INJUSTICE and you better get used to it. It's called, Beth floods the toilet on purpose and everyone gets to sit on the curb at recess. It's called your Matchbox car that you brought to school is now my Matchbox car that I take home, wrap up, and give to my kid like it's brand new. It's called why don't you play with one of the other two hundred children rather than Katie who has been mean, according to you, for the last five hundred recesses?

Don't come to me unless they've taken your very essence, memorized your lunch account number (and have used it), said terrible things about your Mother, and put your soul on eBay for sale. Then we'll have the nicey-nice talk and for a moment, you'll think that everyone in the world will be as nice as me.

February 01, 2005

Dog Talks - Master Listens

My dog, just moments ago, uttered the most detailed dog talk I've ever heard. She came upstairs and said what I believe translated to following: "I've been sleeping in an uncomfortable spot on the wood floor. I'm trying to stretch these kinks out of my hind legs. Ok, a little more, rrrrruuuuaahg! Now, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I want some attention now. You know, don't just take my dog love for granted. What do you think I am anyway? Do you think I'm just like the thieving little cats you make me share my territory with? I did notice, although you thought I didn't, that those felines stole my bed last night. That was a bunch of cat waste. They get to go on the sofa. Now, I don't get my bed or the sofa. It's not right. Raaruurrr Owrrruuuuuhhhh uh. Ok, I'm bettter now. I'm just gonna stretch and yawn a little bit -Raauuuur... more and get up on the futon. I'm still allowed up here, right?"